Nerves: Highs and Lows

I've been on-edge all week.  Our frozen embryo transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  I've wanted tomorrow to get here for the last 2 months.  Ever since we found out the fresh cycle was a big, fat failure.  We rush to get to tomorrow to find out if our two 'crappy' embryos come out of their freeze. I say 'crappy' because they weren't good enough to transfer the first time and weren't even supposed to survive the freezing process.  But they did.  And if they don't survive the thaw, we'll be crushed.  If they do, we'll be elated, but then will have to wait.  Another two weeks to find out if our last ditch effort at a pregnancy for biological children will work.  Either way, tomorrow will be aggravating - happy or sad.

This cycle has truly been 'easier' than a fresh cycle.  Fewer ultrasounds and trips to the clinic, no retrievals and anesthesia, and much less expensive drugs.  However, there were still shots (lupron), vaginal estrace inserts twice a day (fun!), and 3 estrogen patches covering my abdomen practically at all times, and now the progesterone shots.  My womb is nice and cushy - waiting for a nice little embryo baby to take up residency.  I've always had a rock-star uterine lining...how many people can say that?  How many people would actually KNOW that? I do!

Emotionally, this cycle is about the same - if not worse.  Still counting the days and waiting, waiting.  And I'll blame the drugs, as usual, for any mood swing or bout of crying.  I visited a friend that I haven't seen for probably 2 years.  I've known her since college and had worked with her very closely for years.  She knew nothing of our struggles and, of course, asked if we were going to have kids.  I immediately started crying. And. Couldn't. Stop.  It was embarrassing as I told our whole story through my tears.  Of course, she had no idea of what we had been going through and had encouraging words of hope for us.  Which also made me cry.  Then, I went to church for the first time in a long time.  And prayed.  And cried.  Also embarrassing trying to hide the crying in the church pew during a service.  With God, all things are possible, right?  I'm banking on it now.