Post-Vaca

North Carolina was a great vacation. It was quick, but nice to getaway. We flew on Friday and came back on Monday. Thankfully, our flights were actually effortless and on time. I finished an entire book and even bought a new one for the flight back home.

We got into Raleigh on Friday night, and we ate at a restaurant called "The Red Room". The room was actually red, and the restaurant serves Spanish tapas. Tapas are basically mini-meals. So we all ordered 2 or 3 and shared the amazing food. And the sangrias were equally fabulous!

On Saturday, we woke up early and drove the 3 hour drive to Carolina Beach. Myrtle beach is further away and more touristy and crowded, so Carolina Beach was perfect. My sister-in-law drove the mini-van with us and her brood. In tow, were her 3 boys - A four year-old, a five year-old, and a six year-old! They are very well behaved (for boys!) and so cute. They say the funniest things! I still think SIL is crazy for purposely being pregnant for 3 years straight, and I'm still only slightly jealous that attaining pregnancy was so irritatingly easy for her! But, I can't hold it against her or her cute kids now. We only talked about our IVF and infertility a little bit. I'm not sure if SIL could ever understand the difficulties that we and many others have in getting pregnant, especially considering it was so easy for her. I told her the IVF story in a very concise way: "DH's sperm isn't great. There isn't really anything that they have found wrong with me (per se). My eggs didn't do what they were supposed to during the IVF based upon the drugs I took. The doctors say the next IVF should produce better results with a different drug protocol." End of story - at least until January.

We spent about 6 hours on the beach enjoying the fried seafood, drinks from the cooler, and big waves from the Atlantic ocean. Let's just say the wave pool at our nearest water park does not hold a candle to the ocean. Saturday night we went to a restaurant where DH had the best crab legs ever! Sunday, we drove back to SILs and hung out - spending time with the boys, ordering pizza, and playing a little guitar hero.

The only regret I have of the weekend is that I forgot to make DH put sunscreen on my back (I had covered my legs, arms, chest, and face with 30 SPF before we left the beach house). Needless to say, I was a tomato and in PAIN the rest of the weekend. Sleep has been very difficult all week - as I am NOT a tummy sleeper. But all in all, the burn was worth the day at the beach - but I won't forget the sunscreen again!

Weekend and Anniversary

It is the end of the first great weekend in a long time. My brother and his wife were in town from AZ. I don't get to see them too often and we were able to spend some time together. I took Thursday off of work and we all went to lunch. And on Friday night, our families went out - having pizza and beer. Next weekend, we are going to NC to visit DH's sister and go to the beach. So looking forward to two weekends in a row of spending time with family and having some fun!

Our 6th wedding anniversary was Saturday, the 14th. DH got me flowers and a gift card to Starbucks. But for as much as that man can aggravate me throughout the year, we both agreed the gift was well deserved! I still felt bad because I didn't get him anything! Then we went to our first 3D movie matinee (Despicable Me), had some drinks, and then to dinner. It was a great day!

I tried not to think about where I thought we would be on our 6th wedding anniversary. I didn't think we would have all the time in the world to have date night. I thought there would be babysitters involved. I thought we would have not just one child - but two - by now. Here we are with nada. If things has gone as planned, I'd probably have a 2 or 3 yr old. I'd probably have an infant, too, or maybe one on the way. Of course, we're not giving up on that dream yet, but the wait and the delays are incredibly frustrating. Especially now that we have to sit back and wait for 5 more months before we can financially do another round of IVF. (Why can't IVF be cheaper or at least be covered by insurance?) I can only hope that by our 7th anniversary, I will be pregnant. That is something to hold onto.

Conversations and Chit-Chat

After a setback like a failed infertility, IUI or IVF treatment - especially after 10 times - some conversations that may never have bothered me before, can annoy the heck out me now. I'm sure you've heard some version of them before:


"Soooo, when are you having kids?"

My usual answer, "Uhh, I dunno. Someday."


The evil part of me would like to say, "We're not. We don't like kids." And then wait for the reaction! My opinion is that if you don't know me well enough or it doesn't come up in normal conversation or if you are just trying to make idle chit-chat, asking about if and when I am having children is none of your damn business. Prior to my knowledge of my infertility, I would not have thought twice about this question. I've probably even asked it. I thought it would be a natural question to ask - especially after a couple gets married. Anymore, I would NEVER ask when someone is having a baby. How do they really know, anyway? Same goes for - "when are you getting married?" or "when are you going to have another baby?". I try to butt out of the major life decisions of others.



"At least you don't have kids...my kid does this or that or I have to do this or that because I have kids. You're so lucky that you don't have to do this or do that..."


If I were childless by choice, I might actually join in this pity-party conversation. I might agree that "I'm lucky". But frankly, I don't feel sorry for anything you say when it comes to your kids when you start the conversation with "At least you don't have kids". It's not like I feel lucky about my situation. The fact that you are having a bad day with your kids does not give me a silver lining. If you want to vent, go ahead and vent. I'll listen and empathize. But leave me and my 'luck' out of it.



"When you have kids you won't be able to...." or "When you have kids you will have to..."


First of all, if you don't know about my infertility or my decisions about having or not having kids, please don't assume that I will ever have kids. If you do know about my infertility, don't assume that all of my efforts will work and I'll end up with a baby any time soon. Positive thinking is one thing, but sometimes these comments can be a slap in the face because you're trying to remind me of what I don't have. I don't like to assume my pregnancy attempts will work - because, after 10 major attempts at a BFP, it simply hasn't. I don't mean to be overly negative, but please don't get my hopes up any further than they already are or make me realize what I'm missing every day. Secondly, I do not have kids now. I can watch as much television from my DVR, as I want to. I can go to a movie, go shopping, or leave my house at the drop of the hat, if I want to. I can spend money the way I want to (if I have it!) I can go out, get drunk, and then sleep in until noon with a major hangover, if I want to. Please don't knock my extracurricular activities (or lack thereof) because I can (or can't) do them if/when I have kids. Also, I do not need any practice changing diapers or cleaning up baby puke or feeding your kid. If I want to, I'll ask. But until then, I don't need the practice, and please don't remind me that I don't have kids. I already know.



"For someone that doesn't have any kids, you are right about that!"


This comment was made to me just last week. I was at the lunch table in the cafeteria at work, talking about how given too many choices, people have a harder time selecting just one. It's some sort of psychological fact that I probably learned in one of my dozens of courses over the years. I said that if you're giving a little kid the choice of 5 movies to watch, you'll never get a straight answer. But if you give choice A and B only, it will be a lot easier for the 2 year old brain (not to mention an adult brain) to pick one. Lessen the choices. After that comment, a gal with 5 kids made the above comment to me...for someone that doesn't have kids.... Really? Apparantly, I surprised her with my childless insight into the kid psyche. Just because I don't have kids, doesn't make me dumb. It doesn't make me stupid about children or child development. (I did my fair share of baby-sitting over the years ). I know I am missing out on something special, but I'm not an idiot because of it.



"It'll be worth it. They are totally worth it. When you see your baby sleeping or smiling or giggling. Just wait."


I know. You don't have to remind me. I know that kids are worth it. I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to or if I didn't think it was worth it. Lucky for you, you didn't have to spend your entire life savings to get one. Lucky for you, you didn't have to puncture yourself with needles every day for weeks on end. I already get it. In the end, they're worth it.



"Maybe you'll get pregnant on your own."


No. I won't. I know this happened to your co-worker's friend's sister after they adopted or did an IVF treatment or 'relaxed'. But it probably won't happen to me. Don't count on it, and don't try to get my hopes up.


Also, to the people that do not know me, our situation, or that we are desperately trying to have a kid, please do not think that I am selfish because I do not currently have children (not that I think that they are reading this). Sometimes I feel that people think that I do not have kids because I would rather spend time on myself, spend money on myself, travel, enjoy leisure time, sleep a full 8 hours every night, etc. etc. And, yes, I enjoy being able to do those things, but I would give it all up to get one of those cute, squishy, little human babies...

Regrouping

Today, I regrouped and called the clinic. My doctor called me back and we had our "discussion" about WTF happened with our first IVF cycle and why we didn't make it to transfer. We talked about the 3 IUIs with injectibles that we did under her care over the past year. We talked about how I responded to the drugs in each of those situations:

• IUI#1 - May 2009 - I did Femara on days 3-7, and then did one vial of Menopur (M1) to stimulate. The way I responded was "progressive" and "IVF worthy" this time around. At baseline, my follicles were 9, 8, 7mm. Pretty big to start with.
  
• IUI#2 - August 2009 - similar to IUI#1 and I was ready for trigger on Day 12. I responded well, and this is a pretty early trigger without much for meds. At baseline, my follicles were 7, 5mm.

• IUI#3 - February 2010 - did Femera on different days and started M1 early. Triggered on Day 9. Really early. At baseline, my follicles were 8, 9mm.

Based upon this, my protocol for IVF was structured based upon my quick response to stims during my IUIs. The goal with IVF is to stimulate eggs to maturity in a way that isn't too quick and in a way that doesn't take too long. We also want to evenly grow a lot of eggs rather than focus on only a handful like you do with an IUI.

With my IVF, my baseline ultrasound had many follicles and the potential was there. However, the follicles started out much smaller than with my IUIs. They were more like 4, 3, 2mm. This was most likely due to the fact that I was on birth control prior to IVF, but was not on birth control prior to my IUIs. I had a lot further to go with the IVF. So even though I did respond with the given protocol (M2), I stalled out a bit and had to go double the dose (M4) to get the follicles going again. We ended up stimming 4 days later than a typical IVF protocol. Possibly too long for my little eggies. Of course, these realizations are all in hindsight.

Again, 12 follicles were retrieved and 9 of those were mature. The doc thinks that the mature eggs were "exhausted". The nucleus of the eggs were mature enough, but maybe the surrounding cytoplasm was at a different stage, and therefore the eggs were a little lopsided because of the way they were stimulated. The clinic rates the quality of mature eggs on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the perfect egg. Most of mine were 3's. My average was 3.8. Not awful, but not great either. I didn't have any 1's or 2's.

Lastly, many would dispute trying to do a 5 day transfer instead of a 3 day transfer when only 2 embryos fertilized. On day 3, the two little guys looked good - and would have been worthy of a 3 day transfer. But then they just stopped - which is indicative of egg issues. The doc said that around day 3, the DNA of the egg and the sperm quit telling the embryo what to do and let the embryo grow on its own. If the embryo doesn't do what it's supposed to on its own, then it just quits. The doctor's theory is that the embryo wouldn't know how to grow on its own inside or outside the womb, and its better to know if the eggs will make it prior to transfer. If a 3 day transfer was done, they would never have know what had happened to those so-called "perfect" eggs. And, personally, I would have been out $3K, another week of PIO shots, and still had a BFN at the end of the day.

I asked if there was anything we could have or should have done to prevent this. She said there wasn't. It was out of character for me to respond the way I did to the Menopur, and there was no way to tell that I would respond as slow as I did in the beginning. The quantity of eggs came to fruition, but it wasn't until the eggs were retrieved and evaluated and the fact that only 2 fertilized after 24 hours shows that there were egg issues. The doctor said I actually do have a good quantity of eggs in my "ovarian reserve" and that there definitely decent quality potential. With better stimulation protocol, she thinks that there were be a better quality of egg.

With a 2nd IVF, the plan would be to start me at M4 instead of M2. This may depend upon my baseline ultrasound to make sure they don't push the follicles too hard either. That's basically it. Everything else would be about the same. I told the doc that we couldn't afford another round until January - when my insurance changes. She said to call the clinic when I get my period in late October/early November to get on the January schedule and to start BCPs again.

Gosh, November seems so far away...at least it's August already.

Perfect End to a Perfect Weekend

After our bad news on Friday that there would be no transfer and that every single one of our eggs and embryos didn't make it, needless to say, we were pretty upset. DH was pretty strong about it, but I would go five minutes of being okay and then suddenly burst into tears. Anything could set me off. A kind word from someone, sympathy from someone else, a song or commercial, or just my racing, random thoughts.

On the drive home from the clinic, I suggested driving to Chicago for the weekend - right then and there. Just to get away from everything and everyone. I didn't want to deal with anything. I knew that wasn't realistic, but it sounded good at the time. However, I settled for going to a movie instead. We went to an Adam Sandler comedy, Grownups. It was very funny, and it took my mind off of things for the most part. There were only a couple of parts in the movie that made me cry for my own situation. And so, we left the movie in a more cheerful mood than when we arrived. Until we got to the car and there was a $30 parking ticket on the windshield. The wind was sufficiently knocked out of our sails. However, we couldn't have been too surprised. DH insists on parking in that spot each time we go to that theatre - even though we're a little too close to the no parking sign. Oh well - par for the course. We ended the evening by having a couple of drinks at home.

Saturday was better. We slept in late. I tried to enjoy it, and then I had a thought as I was sleeping in: if I had kids, I wouldn't be able to sleep in...ugh. Turn my mind off! Mom called to make sure I was functioning. The rest of the day I cleaned. A good, theraputic cleaning. I vacuumed and picked up the entire house of its clutter I had been neglecting for the past month. I took all of the bags of syringes and needles, and alcohol wipes that were in the middle of the kitchen table and threw them in a box in the corner of the spare bedroom. Don't need them any time soon. Then, I cleaned the refridgerator. Fun, right? The in-laws stopped by to make sure we were still functioning. I took the dog for a walk and then went to the gym to work out. I don't think I cried all day.

As I was cleaning the basement on Saturday, I told DH to call his friend to come over sometime to put up a light fixture in the basement...the key word was sometime. However, DH called the friend immediately (which he never does anything immediately!) and invited him, his wife, and 1 year old kid over to our house at 10am on Sunday morning to put up the light and to eat breakfast as an incentive (that I would cook). Ugh. I didn't mind making the big breakfast of eggs, pancakes, bacon, sausage - it's kind of our thing to do on Sunday mornings. But I wasn't sure if I was ready to entertain (not to mention showering or putting a bra on!). We realized we only had 3 eggs left as we were getting ready for bed and would have to go to the store in the morning for more. Hmph - even as I write this - only 3 eggs left. Not enough eggs. How ironic.

So, Sunday morning arrives and as I'm waking up, I'm making a mental list of breakfast items to get at the store. DH was going to go to the store, but I decide to go instead and let him sleep in. I did what I do practically every morning of my life: I go to the garage, open the garage door, get in the car, start it, put it in reverse, and hit the gas. But this time, 'clunk'. I had just rammed my crossover SUV into my husbands little 4-cylindar car. Yup, I did. Couldn't believe it. Perfect ending to my perfect weekend. Scratched the bumper of my car, and made a pretty nice lip-dent in the hood of my husband's car that will most likely cause a lot of rusting as soon as it rains. DH was forgiving - as I am apparantly the worst driver ever. My excuse is that I've had lot on my mind lately.

Luckily, the friend came over to fix the light, but didn't bring the family. The wife is doing the HCG diet and didn't want to be tempted by the food. Hmph. So breakfast was good and the light got fixed. Laundry got done; I took a long nap (which involved a lot of just lying there and thinking), and even studied 2 chapters for my next test that I'm doing for work. Only had one spontaneous cry today. Monday we start all over again. Back to work and back to our reality.