Breakthrough What!?

Warning: this blog entry may be TMI for some - but, really, aren't most IF topics TMI? What with all of our talk of ovaries, uterus, sperm, vaginal probes, etc...that this post is actually pretty tame in comparison, but I thought I'd put the warning out there anyway...

One thing that I didn't expect (or remember) when I went on birth control again for the first time in 14 years was this little thing called "breakthrough bleeding". Yuck. Basically, I've had my period twice in a little more than 2 weeks. What is with that?! Have I not been punished enough!?

I got my 'real' period on a Saturday, and the doctor told me to start BCP on Monday. No problem. 12 pills later the spotting started. No big deal. Then, within a couple of days, it became like a full-on, bright red period (but luckily without the cramps that I'm used to). So, I worried. DH told me to call the doctor. But I hate calling my RE's office and being forced to leave a message for a call back because they never actually let me talk to a nurse the first time. When they do call back (usually within a couple of hours), I'm always at work. The last thing I want to do is talk to a nurse about my mid-cycle, birth-control induced bleeding with my work people listening in. Just not comfortable with that - probably ever.

Instead of calling the doctor, I did what every red-blooded, American female does when they have a perfectly weird question that they don't want to vocalize: I Googled. And I found out that apparently, this mid-cycle bleeding can occur during your first month (or three) on the pill, especially if you start taking the pill mid-cycle. Good to know. It also can occur when you would have typically ovulated....hmmm, yup, that's me. And, it can be more than just a little spotting. Duly noted. So, I'll ride this crimson tide (pun definitely intended!) for the next couple of days. If it doesn't clear up, then I'll suck it up and call the doctor. But since when has Google ever let me down before?!

Evolution of Mommyhood

I remember when I was a little girl being asked by my mom what I wanted to be when I grew up. She was filling in the memory book that chronicled my school days. Each section was a different year of elementary and junior high school (mom gave up on it after awhile though - let's just say the earlier years are much better filled out than the later years!). The book had that year's school picture of me and a series of the same questions to be answered for each year. As a kid, I didn't really know the answer to what I wanted to be when I grew up (heck, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!). In some entries, I chose teacher. However, at 6 years old, I think I chose that because I didn't know what I didn't know about my options of career choices. But, a lot of the entries included being a mother. I'm not sure if I was just not that creative, or if I thought being a mom was a given. In any event, having kids has always been something I thought I would do at some point without issue.

Without knowing it though, I've been practicing being a mom my whole life. In junior high, I babysat the kids in my neighborhood all the time (which living in the country was a 15 mile radius of my house - I definitely got around!). I enjoyed the good kids, and I dreaded the bad kids. I've changed diapers, burped babies, I've chased after 2-year olds and watched a heck a lot of Barney, Disney, and Saturday morning cartoons. But, I'm not sure if I babysat because I love kids or because I just needed the babysitting money. I do think it made me realize that I truly only wanted to be a mom when I was completely ready to take on that challenge 24/7.

So, in high school, being a mom was the last thing I wanted to be at that time. I, being an abnormally responsible teenager, went on birth control on my own before even having sex(thanks Planned Parenthood!). There was no way that I was going to get "accidentally" pregnant. I didn't go off of the pill until 10 years later!

So, ever since, the evolution of becoming a mom has been in the works:

• College - check!


• Husband - check!


• House with a yard - check!


• Good job with a steady paycheck that I don't mind going to every day - check!


• Grad school - check!


• Houseplants that are not killed instantly - check!


• One fabulously cute (at least to me), live-in, four-legged child named Morgan that has been my so-called baby for 4 years (ok, so she's a dog - but still very much my child) - check!


• One year of baby-making with timed sex, standing on my head (literally), ovulation kits, and basal temperature taking month after month - check!


• One year of testing and 6 IUIs with my OB (three too many, actually) - check!


• One year of testing and 3 IUIs with my RE in a city that is a 2-hour drive away - check!


• Finally, IVF - almost check!

I think I'm ready...This IVF thing better work...

Keeping It All Inside

Tonight I just flipped through and scanned "Conquering Infertility" by Dr. Alice Domar. My good friend who recently became pregant through IVF borrowed it to me. It gives a lot of advice on the Mind/Body connection to fertility and coping with infertility. It's about the ups and the downs, the depression you might not realize you have, dealing with the negative pregnancy tests month after month, and dealing with the relationships around you while going through infertility.

Up to this point, I'd like to think that I have dealt pretty well with this infertility thing - all things considered. I have done 9 IUIs, and I have never been pregnant. I guess I would prefer this to have had positive pregnancy tests that end in a chemical pregnancy or miscarriages each time. I probably wouldn't have dealt with that nearly as well. However, each time I saw the blank test sticks and the BFNs, I couldn't help but feel a little bit crushed. For the most part, I am a master at hiding it though. Each IUI was different though.

During our 8th IUI cycle in September 2009, I had a pre-planned trip to Europe that happened to fall during the 2 week wait. My mother and I were visiting my cousin , JK, in England and then we all took a weekend holiday to Italy. The date that I was scheduled to take the pregnancy test, my mother and I shared a room in a little bed & breakfast in Italy. I was on vacation in a beautiful and historic country, and I still had to constantly think about my infertility and this upcoming pregnancy test - nestled in my carry-on bag next to my makeup and tampons (that I hoped I wouldn't need). That ill-fated morning, I woke up early to use my first morning urine to take the test. Of course, it was negative (my mind wondering if the test could be wrong - maybe, just maybe?...). My mom knew before the trip that I would have to take the pregnancy test during our trip, but maybe didn't know exactly when I was taking it. She's good at not asking questions (sometimes), or pretending not to notice. I tossed the negative test into the garbage (after hiding it in some toilet paper), took a shower, and went about my day and my vacation like nothing had happened. That day we hiked through the Cinque Terre villages right along the Mediterranean Sea. Simply breathtaking - and a fabulous distraction.

That night, I silently cried myself to sleep so my mom would not hear. I still don't know if she heard me.

2 days later, back in England, on our last night of our vacation, my mom and I had a quiet dinner with JK before our journey back to the States. JK, who is a year younger than I, is single and dating, working in the Air Force (thus her fabulous England living situation), has travelled the world, and her fertility is only a thought for the [probably] distant future. Like most family members that do not know our specific situation, she asked what everyone asks in casual dinner conversation - "when are you guys having kids?" - or something similar. That was it. I broke down in tears right at the dinner table. It brings me to tears just thinking about how sad I was in that moment.

As I was crying, I told my story to JK and to my mom (who knows our situation but probably not the emotional toll I had been keeping inside). I told them of the negative pregnancy test in Italy. I remember JK saying that she had no idea that I was going through that in Italy and that I was just like the rest of our family in that I could put on a good face and not let on what was going on emotionally. That made me feel strong, proud, sad, and stupid all at the same time. We all talked and cried and talked some more. We talked much too late in the night to be able to wake up at 4am to catch the bus to London Heathrow. But we did - and I felt much better after I had let it all out.

It was 5 more months before we did another IUI after that. A much needed break. That 8th IUI cycle was some sort of turning point in my mentality though. I realized that it is okay to be upset when things don't work out as planned. It left me more determined to bring on my 9th and final IUI before moving on to IVF. Infertility IS a big deal, but IVF may not be as scary (or impossible) of an option as I had initially thought.

IVF Prep 101

Many sources say that in order to prep for IVF treatment, the nutritional, the physical, the mental, and for me, the financial aspects need to be addressed.

Nutrition: I am now on Day 2 of taking birth control pills in preparation for our first IVF treatment starting in the end of May. I thought I would never have to take another one of these little, tiny hormonal pills. But here I am. I'm also taking a 81mg baby aspirin. This is apparently to increase the bloodflow to my uterus. I am back on the regimen of taking daily pre-natal vitamins. I've had a "prescription" for these for over 3 years, but haven't always been very consistent in taking them. I'm also cutting back on caffeine. My doctor didn't specifically said I have to do this, but what can it hurt? Also, I've said good-bye to alcohol and cigarettes/smoke. I'm no fun anymore!

Physical: Being underweight or overweight can hamper the success of IVF treatment. I am happy to report that after losing 25 pounds in the last 6 months, that I am now in the "good" zone for weight. I am working out about twice a week. I'll have to ask the doctor about what I can and can't do for exercise once we start the drugs, the retreival, and the transfer.

Mental: This has to do with the all of the emotional ups and downs that infertility brings. We have been 'dealing' with this for 3 years. Most have been emotional downs - another semen analysis, another ultrasound, another round of drugs, another IUI just to get another negative pregnancy test - and utter disappointment. These are the things that I have faced for a long time. Now, IVF gives me hope that pregnancy is still attainable for me. However, I don't want to get my hopes up too high - just to have them dashed if IVF doesn't work. I consider myself a "glass half full" type person, but on some level I feel you have to play mind games with yourself to prepare yourself against potential devastating news.

Financial: I added this section to IVF Prep 101. You have to know how you will pay for treatment. If you don't, this can affect the mental aspects of infertility. Many - if not most - states do not require insurance companies to pay for infertility treatment. My company pays for 50% of the cost up to $3,000 lifetime. Not terrible, but I've already used up everything but $750 as we go into IVF. Next year, I will not have any coverage. Therefore, a lot of our treatment will be straight out of our pocket. So faced with this harsh reality, my husband and I visited with our bank yesterday to apply for a Home Equity Loan. This is a nice way of saying that we need to take a 2nd mortgage out on our home to pay for a lot of our IVF treatment. We called it a loan for "debt consolidation" and "home improvement". We'll find out in the next week or two what we qualify for. Any bit will help, but if we can get enough to also get new windows out of the deal, at least that's a guarantee of something to show for our efforts!

In the beginning...

In the beginning, there was a girl who met a boy when she was 18. They dated for 4 years, throughout her college years, and then moved in together. They 'lived in sin' and she started her career, and then she purchased her first home. The boy asked the girl to marry him (finally). They married after an 8 month engagement in 2004.

The girl decided after getting married to go to graduate school. Babies could wait until she was through. After completing her MBA in 2007, it was time to start a family. The birth control pills were thrown out and the so-called "trying trying" began.

When the magical positive pregnacy test alluded the girl for a year, her OB suggested getting some tests run - starting with the boy. The test results weren't great. With swimmers like they were, natural pregnancy would be impossible for the couple. Artificial insemination was the route to take. In 2008, 6 IUIs were done with the OB. All using clomid. In between, other tests were taken on the girl, but nothing else proved to be a problem. The next step would be to visit a reproductive endrocrinologist.

The RE re-tested the boy and thought that IUI might still work - even though IVF would be better. She even put the boy on clomid to maybe improve his numbers - it didn't. So, in 2009, the couple went through 3 more IUIs using injectible medicines. All were unsuccessful (again). The couple's dream of having a baby were going to be left in the hands of a doctor and a very expensive procedure called IVF/ICSI.

So in 2010, at almost age 30, and after over 3 years of trying, the girl and her husband embark on yet another (and hopefully final) infertility journey to make a baby. The expense is intimidating, the odds are not in their favor, but the reward (if attained) will surely outweigh the risk.