A Pattern has Developed

We have a pattern.  Do IVF, get disappointed, go on vacation in North Carolina.  Do IVF, get disappointed, go on vacation in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.  Do IVF, get disappointed, go on vacation to New Orleans, Louisiana.  The only positive (literally) to this process is that a much needed get-the-hell-out-of-town-vacation is called for.

Even though most of these vacations were in place prior to IVF and we were going to go with either positive or negative results to the pregnancy tests, I, of course, was hoping to be pregnant while on vacation.  I was hoping to not be able to drink or do any strenuous activities, and I was even hoping to have terrible morning sickness.  But, alas, I'll just have to settle for getting my drink on in New Orleans!

We leave next week and I can't wait!  We're driving to reserve some funds, so the husband and I will have plenty of quality car time together - don't worry, I'm stocking up on the eBooks and music! 

Hold On

After massive doses of cookie dough, pizza, and enough alcohol to make me crazy on Friday night, I have come back up for air after the weekend and back to work today.  I didn't go anywhere all weekend. I skipped the Super Bowl party we were invited to.  Husband went, but I couldn't handle the questions and the "sorries" and the sad looks - not to mention the massive amount of children running around.  Given the opportunity to hang out and drink with his best friends or to hang out with me, my husband will usually pick his friends every time.  But last night, he only stayed for half the game and then joined me at home. And with the exception of my husband and our respective mothers, I didn't talk to a single person all weekend.  Now it is time to get back to reality (and to return some phone calls!)

In an effort to gain back my sanity, get out of my funk, and to help lose some of the 10 pounds I've packed on in the last month due to this IVF cycle (ok - I can't blame all of it on IVF - but I will anyway), I'm trying to get back into somewhat of an exercise routine.  I wasn't allowed to work out at all for the past 3-4 weeks, which I never thought I would miss, but I kind of did.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am no exercise freak. I average only twice per week.  And let's just say that running sucks.  I've never enjoyed it (probably because I suck at it, too), but it's kind of tortuous, actually.  But, I'll do the elliptical machine, circuit training, and, of course, volleyball.

In order to work out, I have to have tunes.  I need good, up-tempo music to get me in the mood to keep going. So, in going through the random shuffle on my iPod, I found a song that I haven't listened to in a long time.  I found myself really pounding the pavement to this song.  It is "Hold On" by Good Charlotte.   Yes, the song is about suicide, and no, I am not suicidal.  Don't worry!  But, some of the lyrics took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Here are some of the lyrics:

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on

http://youtu.be/pRjJUtiGgnY

I realize that there are worse things in life than my little infertility dramas of late.  I also know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff - as crappy, long, and drawn out as it may be. It's not yet time to give up.  I just gotta keep on going, and realize that we really are one step closer than we were before.

Negative

It was negative when I took the test early last night. Damn that lonely, single line. It was still negative this morning, but I still felt compelled to give some blood to confirm at 8 a.m.  Holding on to some tiny shred of hope.  But, it was still negative when the nurse finally called at 4 p.m. 

The only silver lining is that we have two frozen.  I hate that these two have ended up being our back up plan and last ditch effort.  I hate having a headache from crying.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  I hate this.

Cookie dough, pizza, and lots of wine and/or booze are called for.  Not necessarily in that order.