I've been going about my life per usual. Nothing new and nothing to report. We haven't met with the doctor yet. I don't really feel like paying $200 for an office visit for him to tell us that he isn't sure why the IVF and FET didn't take. As for our next steps, I'm blissfully ignoring our next steps (or as blissful that I can be about this) . Frankly, we plain just can't afford much of anything. We've hit our limits, both for insurance and finances and also emotionally (at least for me). And that's ok. I'm not sure if we'll do anything this year or not. And if we do, I'm not even sure what that will be. DH is talking donor sperm over adoption. I'm just enjoying NOT going to the doctor or being on any drugs right now. (Even though I am still faithfully taking pre-natal vitamins every day - I'm sure I have way more folic acid then one person needs...!)
Last week someone vandalized our car. Our car was parked in the street last Sunday night (which it never is) and someone came by and smashed the side mirror of our car and about 7 other cars on our street at about 3:30 in the morning. How senseless. And just one more thing we have to take care of. We got it fixed (but none of the scratches) and actually came out ahead on the insurance payment. So that's nice. DH wants to use the little extra money to visit his brother this fall to go to an Atlanta Falcons football game. We should use it to pay doctors bills. But, I agreed to the trip anyway. Why not? It will be fun to go.
My brother offered to pay for half of my plane ticket to come out to Arizona to visit in a couple of weeks. While he is out of town for work, I'll be their day care provider for their 7 month old for one week. I'm excited for the repreive from work, for spending time with my sister-in-law and my adorable niece, and of course, the Arizona weather and the pool! Spending so much time with my little niece will either make me want my own baby even more, or it will make me grateful for not having to take care of a little one 24/7. Probably both. In any case, I'm looking forward to the trip.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Still Not Pregnant
In case you were wondering, our prayers were not answered, our hearts have broken a little bit more, and our arms will still be empty for the foreseeable future (luckily, however, my lap is still full of dogs). For our 13th assisted reproduction cycle (9 IUIs, 3 fresh IVF, and 1 FET), the home pregnancy test was negative yesterday. I shouldn't be surprised...and I'm not, really. But I've just kept up this little bit of hope for the past 5 years. But, I really don't think I can anymore.
My alarm clock went off at 6:45. I peed on the stick, set it down on the bathroom sink, and then ran into the bedroom to wait the required 2 minutes or so. My dreams the night before had foreshadowed the result. My husband's dreams were more positive. We walked into the bathroom together to see the negative result together. Crap. Then, I peed on another stick. Double crap.
Regardless of the result, we had planned on taking the morning off of work - in the off chance we would get a positive result and drive to the clinic. But instead, the rest of the morning, we wavered between despair, hope, the Price is Right, anger, and several bouts of crying (at least on my part). We called the doctor's office and after waiting for a call back for almost 2 hours, the nurse, although sympathetic, still wanted me to at least go into my local hospital for a blood test to 'make it official'. We said that we would like to get the doctor's take on everything, and she said that we would need to make an office appointment or schedule a phone consult. Do we really need to schedule another 1/2 day off of work for this crap? We couldn't deal with that at the time. We said we'd call back to schedule. I started crying before I even hung up the phone.
No one can tell us what our real problem is. No one can give us the answer to the 'whys'. There's nothing to do. It is what it is, and unfortunately, we just have to deal with it. We talked about the next steps. What do we do now? Maybe we just won't have kids (more crying). Not really what we want, but what do we do? I've said before I'm done with IVF. It sucks, it's expensive, and my heart can't take it. In my mind, adoption has always been a far out and just as expensive option as IVF. It has been the option of last resort, or the result of our big-fat failures. It's what 'quitters' do. Now, I'm thinking a little differently now and it might be the only way. DH is not entirely on board with it yet. We talked about donor sperm. But that, also, would involve doctors and insurance. And who's to say that it will work the first, second, third time? There are no guarantees. If I'm part of the problem, then donor sperm won't matter either. How many more negative pregnancy tests can one person take? Unfortunately, we have reached our infertility insurance coverage for the year (as grateful as I am to have at least a little something), so anything that we do in 2012 would cost us full retail for all infertility related services (including a phone consult!)...so even if we went that route, we probably should wait until 2013. Geesh. It's only April. I'm sick of waiting around for the next infertility treatment. I'm getting very impatient.
After February's blood test at the hospital, I don't think I could deal with going there already 'knowing' the negative result and of the incompetent phlebotomist and nosy lab techs. DH said I shouldn't have to go. So I didn't. I blew it off. I disobeyed the doctor's orders. Yes. I am a rebel. Then, like nothing life-altering has changed in my life, I went to work in the afternoon. I was glad that I had not told a soul that I work with, because as long as I pretend it isn't a problem and I don't think about it, I can hold it together.
My alarm clock went off at 6:45. I peed on the stick, set it down on the bathroom sink, and then ran into the bedroom to wait the required 2 minutes or so. My dreams the night before had foreshadowed the result. My husband's dreams were more positive. We walked into the bathroom together to see the negative result together. Crap. Then, I peed on another stick. Double crap.
Regardless of the result, we had planned on taking the morning off of work - in the off chance we would get a positive result and drive to the clinic. But instead, the rest of the morning, we wavered between despair, hope, the Price is Right, anger, and several bouts of crying (at least on my part). We called the doctor's office and after waiting for a call back for almost 2 hours, the nurse, although sympathetic, still wanted me to at least go into my local hospital for a blood test to 'make it official'. We said that we would like to get the doctor's take on everything, and she said that we would need to make an office appointment or schedule a phone consult. Do we really need to schedule another 1/2 day off of work for this crap? We couldn't deal with that at the time. We said we'd call back to schedule. I started crying before I even hung up the phone.
No one can tell us what our real problem is. No one can give us the answer to the 'whys'. There's nothing to do. It is what it is, and unfortunately, we just have to deal with it. We talked about the next steps. What do we do now? Maybe we just won't have kids (more crying). Not really what we want, but what do we do? I've said before I'm done with IVF. It sucks, it's expensive, and my heart can't take it. In my mind, adoption has always been a far out and just as expensive option as IVF. It has been the option of last resort, or the result of our big-fat failures. It's what 'quitters' do. Now, I'm thinking a little differently now and it might be the only way. DH is not entirely on board with it yet. We talked about donor sperm. But that, also, would involve doctors and insurance. And who's to say that it will work the first, second, third time? There are no guarantees. If I'm part of the problem, then donor sperm won't matter either. How many more negative pregnancy tests can one person take? Unfortunately, we have reached our infertility insurance coverage for the year (as grateful as I am to have at least a little something), so anything that we do in 2012 would cost us full retail for all infertility related services (including a phone consult!)...so even if we went that route, we probably should wait until 2013. Geesh. It's only April. I'm sick of waiting around for the next infertility treatment. I'm getting very impatient.
After February's blood test at the hospital, I don't think I could deal with going there already 'knowing' the negative result and of the incompetent phlebotomist and nosy lab techs. DH said I shouldn't have to go. So I didn't. I blew it off. I disobeyed the doctor's orders. Yes. I am a rebel. Then, like nothing life-altering has changed in my life, I went to work in the afternoon. I was glad that I had not told a soul that I work with, because as long as I pretend it isn't a problem and I don't think about it, I can hold it together.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Please Be Pregnant
Please be pregnant. Please be pregnant. Please be pregnant.
Those three little words have been chanting in my head over and over a little more intensely each day. I have had no 'real' symptoms that I know of since our FET 11 days ago. And we will not test until our test day - which is tomorrow, 04/11.
I dread tomorrow. I can't wait for tomorrow. I dread tomorrow. I'm excited for tomorrow.
I've been wobbling back and forth, but mostly have just been sick to my stomach about tomorrow (not in a pregnant-sick way, but in an anxious-and-I-hate-this kind of way.
Our clinic asked that we come in from out of town to pee in a cup and do the blood test rather than do it locally like we did with our fresh cycle. They didn't say we should "pre-test" before hand like we did before. So, do we make the 1.5 hour drive and go in blindly? Then, if it's positive -yeah surprise! But if it is negative - total meltdown by me - in public. But at least we could have a "next steps" conversation at the clinic - maybe talk to the doctor.... On the other hand, if we pre-test at home in the morning, we would pretty much know, right? If it's positive - we'll make the trip to get the blood test - all happy. But, if it's negative, screw the trip - who cares right? And then meltdown in the privacy of my own home...Argh! And people wonder why infertility sucks so much.
No matter what, we're waiting until tomorrow morning to find out. An early test would probably just ruin our evening. So we're going to have a "last supper" that we can enjoy tonight. Probably pizza delivery! Then a restless night (at least on my part) before tomorrow finally comes. Argh again!
Please be pregnant.
Those three little words have been chanting in my head over and over a little more intensely each day. I have had no 'real' symptoms that I know of since our FET 11 days ago. And we will not test until our test day - which is tomorrow, 04/11.
I dread tomorrow. I can't wait for tomorrow. I dread tomorrow. I'm excited for tomorrow.
I've been wobbling back and forth, but mostly have just been sick to my stomach about tomorrow (not in a pregnant-sick way, but in an anxious-and-I-hate-this kind of way.
Our clinic asked that we come in from out of town to pee in a cup and do the blood test rather than do it locally like we did with our fresh cycle. They didn't say we should "pre-test" before hand like we did before. So, do we make the 1.5 hour drive and go in blindly? Then, if it's positive -yeah surprise! But if it is negative - total meltdown by me - in public. But at least we could have a "next steps" conversation at the clinic - maybe talk to the doctor.... On the other hand, if we pre-test at home in the morning, we would pretty much know, right? If it's positive - we'll make the trip to get the blood test - all happy. But, if it's negative, screw the trip - who cares right? And then meltdown in the privacy of my own home...Argh! And people wonder why infertility sucks so much.
No matter what, we're waiting until tomorrow morning to find out. An early test would probably just ruin our evening. So we're going to have a "last supper" that we can enjoy tonight. Probably pizza delivery! Then a restless night (at least on my part) before tomorrow finally comes. Argh again!
Please be pregnant.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
No April Foolin'
This is no April fools'. Our so-called 'crappy' embryos weren't so crappy after all. Not only did we get to do a transfer on Friday, but we were able to transfer both remaining embryos. Even better, they were graded an 'A' and a 'B'! Over-achieving little buggers. We didn't even transfer an 'A' during the fresh cycle, and these guys came from behind to transfer with a higher grade! I don't want to put too much hope into this, as to not feel too disappointed in the end, but I have a good feeling about these ones. And, for now, I'm pregnant with two buns in the oven.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)