Still Not Pregnant

In case you were wondering, our prayers were not answered, our hearts have broken a little bit more, and our arms will still be empty for the foreseeable future (luckily, however, my lap is still full of dogs).  For our 13th assisted reproduction cycle (9 IUIs, 3 fresh IVF, and 1 FET), the home pregnancy test was negative yesterday.  I shouldn't be surprised...and I'm not, really.  But I've just kept up this little bit of hope for the past 5 years.  But, I really don't think I can anymore.

My alarm clock went off at 6:45. I peed on the stick, set it down on the bathroom sink, and then ran into the bedroom to wait the required 2 minutes or so.  My dreams the night before had foreshadowed the result.  My husband's dreams were more positive.  We walked into the bathroom together to see the negative result together.  Crap.  Then, I peed on another stick.  Double crap.

Regardless of the result, we had planned on taking the morning off of work - in the off chance we would get a positive result and drive to the clinic.  But instead, the rest of the morning, we wavered between despair, hope, the Price is Right, anger, and several bouts of crying (at least on my part).  We called the doctor's office and after waiting for a call back for almost 2 hours, the nurse, although sympathetic, still wanted me to at least go into my local hospital for a blood test to 'make it official'.  We said that we would like to get the doctor's take on everything, and she said that we would need to make an office appointment or schedule a phone consult.  Do we really need to schedule another 1/2 day off of work for this crap? We couldn't deal with that at the time.  We said we'd call back to schedule.   I started crying before I even hung up the phone.

No one can tell us what our real problem is. No one can give us the answer to the 'whys'. There's nothing to do. It is what it is, and unfortunately, we just have to deal with it. We talked about the next steps.  What do we do now?  Maybe we just won't have kids (more crying).  Not really what we want, but what do we do?  I've said before I'm done with IVF.  It sucks, it's expensive, and my heart can't take it.  In my mind, adoption has always been a far out and just as expensive option as IVF.  It has been the option of last resort, or the result of our big-fat failures. It's what 'quitters' do.  Now, I'm thinking a little differently now and it might be the only way.  DH is not entirely on board with it yet.  We talked about donor sperm.  But that, also, would involve doctors and insurance.  And who's to say that it will work the first, second, third time?  There are no guarantees.  If I'm part of the problem, then donor sperm won't matter either.  How many more negative pregnancy tests can one person take?  Unfortunately, we have reached our infertility insurance coverage for the year (as grateful as I am to have at least a little something), so anything that we do in 2012 would cost us full retail for all infertility related services (including a phone consult!)...so even if we went that route, we probably should wait until 2013.  Geesh.  It's only April.  I'm sick of waiting around for the next infertility treatment.  I'm getting very impatient.

After February's blood test at the hospital, I don't think I could deal with going there already 'knowing' the negative result and of the incompetent phlebotomist and nosy lab techs.  DH said I shouldn't have to go. So I didn't. I blew it off. I disobeyed the doctor's orders. Yes. I am a rebel. Then, like nothing life-altering has changed in my life, I went to work in the afternoon. I was glad that I had not told a soul that I work with, because as long as I pretend it isn't a problem and I don't think about it, I can hold it together.