Conversations and Chit-Chat

After a setback like a failed infertility, IUI or IVF treatment - especially after 10 times - some conversations that may never have bothered me before, can annoy the heck out me now. I'm sure you've heard some version of them before:


"Soooo, when are you having kids?"

My usual answer, "Uhh, I dunno. Someday."


The evil part of me would like to say, "We're not. We don't like kids." And then wait for the reaction! My opinion is that if you don't know me well enough or it doesn't come up in normal conversation or if you are just trying to make idle chit-chat, asking about if and when I am having children is none of your damn business. Prior to my knowledge of my infertility, I would not have thought twice about this question. I've probably even asked it. I thought it would be a natural question to ask - especially after a couple gets married. Anymore, I would NEVER ask when someone is having a baby. How do they really know, anyway? Same goes for - "when are you getting married?" or "when are you going to have another baby?". I try to butt out of the major life decisions of others.



"At least you don't have kids...my kid does this or that or I have to do this or that because I have kids. You're so lucky that you don't have to do this or do that..."


If I were childless by choice, I might actually join in this pity-party conversation. I might agree that "I'm lucky". But frankly, I don't feel sorry for anything you say when it comes to your kids when you start the conversation with "At least you don't have kids". It's not like I feel lucky about my situation. The fact that you are having a bad day with your kids does not give me a silver lining. If you want to vent, go ahead and vent. I'll listen and empathize. But leave me and my 'luck' out of it.



"When you have kids you won't be able to...." or "When you have kids you will have to..."


First of all, if you don't know about my infertility or my decisions about having or not having kids, please don't assume that I will ever have kids. If you do know about my infertility, don't assume that all of my efforts will work and I'll end up with a baby any time soon. Positive thinking is one thing, but sometimes these comments can be a slap in the face because you're trying to remind me of what I don't have. I don't like to assume my pregnancy attempts will work - because, after 10 major attempts at a BFP, it simply hasn't. I don't mean to be overly negative, but please don't get my hopes up any further than they already are or make me realize what I'm missing every day. Secondly, I do not have kids now. I can watch as much television from my DVR, as I want to. I can go to a movie, go shopping, or leave my house at the drop of the hat, if I want to. I can spend money the way I want to (if I have it!) I can go out, get drunk, and then sleep in until noon with a major hangover, if I want to. Please don't knock my extracurricular activities (or lack thereof) because I can (or can't) do them if/when I have kids. Also, I do not need any practice changing diapers or cleaning up baby puke or feeding your kid. If I want to, I'll ask. But until then, I don't need the practice, and please don't remind me that I don't have kids. I already know.



"For someone that doesn't have any kids, you are right about that!"


This comment was made to me just last week. I was at the lunch table in the cafeteria at work, talking about how given too many choices, people have a harder time selecting just one. It's some sort of psychological fact that I probably learned in one of my dozens of courses over the years. I said that if you're giving a little kid the choice of 5 movies to watch, you'll never get a straight answer. But if you give choice A and B only, it will be a lot easier for the 2 year old brain (not to mention an adult brain) to pick one. Lessen the choices. After that comment, a gal with 5 kids made the above comment to me...for someone that doesn't have kids.... Really? Apparantly, I surprised her with my childless insight into the kid psyche. Just because I don't have kids, doesn't make me dumb. It doesn't make me stupid about children or child development. (I did my fair share of baby-sitting over the years ). I know I am missing out on something special, but I'm not an idiot because of it.



"It'll be worth it. They are totally worth it. When you see your baby sleeping or smiling or giggling. Just wait."


I know. You don't have to remind me. I know that kids are worth it. I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to or if I didn't think it was worth it. Lucky for you, you didn't have to spend your entire life savings to get one. Lucky for you, you didn't have to puncture yourself with needles every day for weeks on end. I already get it. In the end, they're worth it.



"Maybe you'll get pregnant on your own."


No. I won't. I know this happened to your co-worker's friend's sister after they adopted or did an IVF treatment or 'relaxed'. But it probably won't happen to me. Don't count on it, and don't try to get my hopes up.


Also, to the people that do not know me, our situation, or that we are desperately trying to have a kid, please do not think that I am selfish because I do not currently have children (not that I think that they are reading this). Sometimes I feel that people think that I do not have kids because I would rather spend time on myself, spend money on myself, travel, enjoy leisure time, sleep a full 8 hours every night, etc. etc. And, yes, I enjoy being able to do those things, but I would give it all up to get one of those cute, squishy, little human babies...