Keeping It All Inside

Tonight I just flipped through and scanned "Conquering Infertility" by Dr. Alice Domar. My good friend who recently became pregant through IVF borrowed it to me. It gives a lot of advice on the Mind/Body connection to fertility and coping with infertility. It's about the ups and the downs, the depression you might not realize you have, dealing with the negative pregnancy tests month after month, and dealing with the relationships around you while going through infertility.

Up to this point, I'd like to think that I have dealt pretty well with this infertility thing - all things considered. I have done 9 IUIs, and I have never been pregnant. I guess I would prefer this to have had positive pregnancy tests that end in a chemical pregnancy or miscarriages each time. I probably wouldn't have dealt with that nearly as well. However, each time I saw the blank test sticks and the BFNs, I couldn't help but feel a little bit crushed. For the most part, I am a master at hiding it though. Each IUI was different though.

During our 8th IUI cycle in September 2009, I had a pre-planned trip to Europe that happened to fall during the 2 week wait. My mother and I were visiting my cousin , JK, in England and then we all took a weekend holiday to Italy. The date that I was scheduled to take the pregnancy test, my mother and I shared a room in a little bed & breakfast in Italy. I was on vacation in a beautiful and historic country, and I still had to constantly think about my infertility and this upcoming pregnancy test - nestled in my carry-on bag next to my makeup and tampons (that I hoped I wouldn't need). That ill-fated morning, I woke up early to use my first morning urine to take the test. Of course, it was negative (my mind wondering if the test could be wrong - maybe, just maybe?...). My mom knew before the trip that I would have to take the pregnancy test during our trip, but maybe didn't know exactly when I was taking it. She's good at not asking questions (sometimes), or pretending not to notice. I tossed the negative test into the garbage (after hiding it in some toilet paper), took a shower, and went about my day and my vacation like nothing had happened. That day we hiked through the Cinque Terre villages right along the Mediterranean Sea. Simply breathtaking - and a fabulous distraction.

That night, I silently cried myself to sleep so my mom would not hear. I still don't know if she heard me.

2 days later, back in England, on our last night of our vacation, my mom and I had a quiet dinner with JK before our journey back to the States. JK, who is a year younger than I, is single and dating, working in the Air Force (thus her fabulous England living situation), has travelled the world, and her fertility is only a thought for the [probably] distant future. Like most family members that do not know our specific situation, she asked what everyone asks in casual dinner conversation - "when are you guys having kids?" - or something similar. That was it. I broke down in tears right at the dinner table. It brings me to tears just thinking about how sad I was in that moment.

As I was crying, I told my story to JK and to my mom (who knows our situation but probably not the emotional toll I had been keeping inside). I told them of the negative pregnancy test in Italy. I remember JK saying that she had no idea that I was going through that in Italy and that I was just like the rest of our family in that I could put on a good face and not let on what was going on emotionally. That made me feel strong, proud, sad, and stupid all at the same time. We all talked and cried and talked some more. We talked much too late in the night to be able to wake up at 4am to catch the bus to London Heathrow. But we did - and I felt much better after I had let it all out.

It was 5 more months before we did another IUI after that. A much needed break. That 8th IUI cycle was some sort of turning point in my mentality though. I realized that it is okay to be upset when things don't work out as planned. It left me more determined to bring on my 9th and final IUI before moving on to IVF. Infertility IS a big deal, but IVF may not be as scary (or impossible) of an option as I had initially thought.