I've had a few days to marinate on this post, so I'm not as hopped up as I was initially when I wrote this. But I thought I'd post my initial thoughts anyway:
I don't know how to put my feelings into words. I am happy and ecstatic. But those feelings are being overcome and crushed by sadness, anger, and jealousy. If we weren't trying with all of our might and money to get pregnant or if I already were pregnant or had a child, I would just be plain excited.
I am the oldest sibling of 3 kids on my side of the family. I have 2 younger brothers that are 2 yrs and 6 yrs younger than I. As oldest, I've had the privelege of doing most things 'first' as we were growing up. The first to be able to cross the street to get the mail, the first to go to school and then to college, the first to drive, the first to get married. I always pictured that we would get pregnant and be able to give my parents their first grandchild. First.
Instead of being thrilled with the fact that I will be a brand new aunt (and I am thrilled about that), it is being overcome by bitter sadness and tears. Why?! My brother called from 1,000 miles away to tell me that he and his wife are 10 weeks pregnant. It took them 3 months to get pregnant. He was afraid to call me and I was the last in my immediate family to know. I fought back the tears while talking to him and said all the right things like "I'm happy for you guys" and "Congratulations". But I know I didn't exude the joy that I normally would have had my own circumstances been different. That pisses me off because my brother deserves more than that from me. He had told my parents while they were visiting him 2 weeks ago. Of course, my parents didn't breathe a word to me. Maybe that irks me most. Everybody tip toeing around us. They can't be excited about it in front of me. I hate being in the dark, and it really upsets me that this news should upset me and that eveyone knows it. I don't want to feel this way.
It's not like we haven't gotten these types of calls before over the years. DH's siblings have called at least 3 different times with 3 different pregnancies with the same news. We currently have 7 nieces and nephews and one on the way on DH's side. Close friends have called at least 5 different times. That's 8 kids that nobody wanted to tell us about right away because they didn't want to upset us. And I have never felt as crappy with those announcements as I do with the news from my little brother. I knew it would happen at some point. Maybe it is just hitting a little too close to home.
There isn't much I can do about our infertility situation. It is what is is. DH consoled me in that we're doing all we can. I should be happy. Happy for my little brother. He deserves this. And I know that. My brain most definitely knows that. Maybe if I just keep telling myself, the good feelings will overcome the crap feelings. I am happy. I am happy. I am happy.
Sorry. The pregnancy announcements suck the most!
ReplyDeleteOh Melissa, I'm so sorry. After struggling with infertility I think it's next to impossible to not feel upset when you hear of someone else's pregnancy announcement. It is what it is, we're human and when you've gone through so much it's only natural to have those mixed feelings when you hear someone else's happy news. Love you ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure you *should* be anything. You feel what you feel and that's the way it is. You've been through a lot. It sucks that you want to feel happier, but I think you have good reason not to. And, honestly, I think things will get better for you after this initial reaction. I know by the time my sister and sister-in law had their #2s right in the middle of our several failed IVFs that I no longer felt badly about not feeling immediately happy for them. So, it changed for me over the length of their pregnancies. I was still a little taken aback the first time I held both of my nephews, but you need to just let yourself feel what you feel and not castigate yourself further for *not* feeling something you think you *should* be feeling. Sorry about the length of this comment, and I hope it doesn't come off as too bossy :-) but I really hope that you can give yourself a break! You deserve it! Take care!!
ReplyDeleteI as well am the first child and dread that news. My brother 4yrs younger, doesn't have a GF or has had one that I've known. Watch, it will be some accident that will leave me in emotional turmoil. (((HUGS))) I hope you can make it through with your DHs and our support. IF is the devil!
ReplyDeleteThese are such tough situations and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it right now...or at all. I agree with the comments above in that there really isn't a proper protocal for infertiles to respond to other people's pregnancy announcements. It sounds like your family is being very sensitive to your emotions, which says a lot. I don't know if this is the case with you, but I always found it easiest to be honest with my family and tell them outright that while I loved that they told me their news, it was always very hard to hear. So they should expect tears admidst my joy for them, because it really is a mixed emotions situation. Praying for strength for you!
ReplyDeleteYou are right, your bro does deserve this but so do YOU!!! I think the feelings you have are normal and justified. You are the oldest and there is typically an order to things like, school, college, driving, marriage and babies...its a grieving process. I think all announcements are hard to hear, but those that are close hurt more sometimes, maybe be they do hurt more and you are harder on yourself bc of it? I know it SUCKS having people 'tip toe' around with announcements, but I have just started thinking about it as though they care so much about you that they don't want to inflict anymore sadness than you already have. Your bro understands...promise.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you hugs and strength....