Rockstar Ovaries

In my humble opinion, I have rockstar ovaries!  They retrieved 15 eggs today.  Fifteen!  Woot, woot!

After getting up at 3:45 a.m. this morning, and not being gassed until after 8 a.m., I'm pooped.  Fertilization report tomorrow.  Naptime!

Ready to Go!

We're ready to go!  After 12 hours commuting to my RE in 8 days, countless drugs and ultrasounds, we are finally ready for retrieval.

I took my 'last' dose of the expensive drugs this morning.  I was 3 vials short because I screwed up the dosing.  Yes, I am spending thousands of dollars on this IVF stuff and I screwed up the amount of drugs to take.  You'd think I'd pay closer attention.  My dose was to be upped by one vial of Menopur per day.  I was supposed to take 3 vials of Menopur at night (plus 1 Bravelle) and 2 in the morning (plus 1 Bravelle) starting Friday night.  The nurse relayed this information to me as I was in my car driving home from the clinic that day, so I didn't write it down. 

I took 3 vials at night and also 3 vials in the mornings.  I had upped my dose by two vials each day, instead of one.  I didn't discover this boo-boo until Sunday at my ultrasound.  After my temporary panic attack, the doctor actually said I knew better than they did and it ended up ok to take the extra vial.  Whew!  Sigh of relief - but I still hope I didn't screw anything up.  I had 7 follicles on the left and 7 on the right.  All of them were between 15 and 20mm (with 18 being the goal).  I'm pretty hopeful about these numbers.

Tonight, I take the trigger shot at 9pm sharp.  This clinic wants me to take it intramuscular rather than in the tummy like my old clinic.  I'm drug-free on Tuesday, and retrieval is scheduled for 8 a.m. on Wednesday.  Let's go already!

Acupuncture

Speaking of poking holes in myself....

After the base ultrasound on Monday, I went to my first ever acupuncture appointment (at a separate office).   Our RE is pretty conservative and would only suggest acupuncture if there was solid, scientific evidence that it helps with infertility/IVF.  So, I'm jumping through the hoops.

What did I think? Well, at $55 per visit, it's an expensive naptime, that's for sure!  Of course, acupuncture for infertility is NOT covered by insurance - oh, why can't they lie and say I'm doing it for "pain"? - afterall, infertility is a HUGE pain. Otherwise, acupuncture was kind of like getting a massage with less touching.

The walls are painted a cocoa brown. There are dimmer lights and electric candles, and of course, the "bed". I laid down - almost naked - under a sheet, face up. The doc comes in, we have a chat, and he proceeds to stick me with needles in my belly, a couple in my feet, legs, arms, and hands, and a couple on my face/head. It didn't hurt, but I didn't want to move, either. The doc left me to lie there for 15 minutes with the lights turned down. A nurse (or aid, or something) came in to 'twist' the needles and then came in to remove them (my forehead bled). I flipped to my stomach. Then, the doc came back in and proceeded to stick me in the back. He shut the lights off again and had me lay there for 30 more minutes (with a needle twisting halfway through). I fell asleep. What else am I going to do? - I've been up since 5 am!

All in all, I had 40 needles stuck in me, and it actually was kind of relaxing.  I'm not sure if it's worth it and I don't know if I believe in it. But at this point, I'm willing to try just about anything!  At the very least, it will probably help with my stress levels.  I don't stress out easily, but when I do, I internalize it.  It then tends to build up.  So if a few needles in my forehead help out with that, so be it, because God knows, I have some stress these days!.  And if it makes my uterus all supple and thick for a potential embryo transfer, then bonus.

Damned if you do and Damned if you don't...

A huge box of meds was delivered last week for the low, low price of $5,000...

Lupron compound (1 big vial)
5 boxes of Bravelle (25 vials)
5 boxes of Menopur (25 vials)
HCG: To trigger ovulation
Antibiotics: For retrieval
3 boxes of Projesterone in Oil: hopefully we get to use it to and through transfer - because they sent us a 30 day supply
Valium: to calm me for the transfer - again, I hope I get to use it...but on second thought I'll probably use it one way or another!

The sickening thing is that because I have insurance to "cover" infertility (to a limit), we get to pay an inflated price for these meds...$5,000.  Yup.  5K - And I don't mean the race.  The value of a good, used car or a honeymoon in Jamaica.  Yup, 5K.  If I didn't have insurance, I would have paid about $2,000 less.  What kind of scam is this, anyway?  You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

I went to the base ultrasound on Monday.  13 follicles on the right and 15 on the left.  A good start.  So then, the drug taking began.  One difference with this clinic is that rather than having me take one big shot every day, I take 2 little shots in the morning and 2 little shots at night.  So far this week, I have poked 14 holes in myself!  And we're only 4 days in.  My sharps container is almost full.

Checklist & Greenlight

1. Blood work X 2 X 5 vials = Check!
2. Frozen sperm as back up = Check!
3. HSG = uncomfortable and clear. Check!
4. No polyps! = Greenlight for IVF
5. IVF w/ ICSI Consultation & protocol = Check!
6. Sign our lives away = Check!
7. Buy a ridiculous amount of Drugs = next week
8. Take ridiculous amount of Drugs & give Acupuncture a go = in two weeks
9. Egg Retrieval = in three weeks
10. Embryo Transfer = in four weeks?!  One can only hope.

The Beginning of the Final Attempt

I know I've been a little neglectful of this blog.  There are a couple of reasons for this. 
1.) there hasn't been any infertility related news to report.  We hit our 5th year anniversary of infertility - which isn't really a celebratory occasion.  And, well, my life has been more or less boring - busy, but boring.
2.) there have been umpteen babies that have been born in the last couple of months and I'm 'babied' out.  They are all cute babies and the parents are all lucky and proud.  Baby outfits have been purchased and delivered.  Announcements cover our refrigerator door.  And I'm happy for all of them.  But yeah, it doesn't make my life any easier.
3.) And lastly, I am pretty much sick to death of infertility and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. Sorry to be a downer, but if I don't really want to talk about it, I'm sure no one really wants to hear about it either. 

So, that brings us to today.  Everything that we've been through this year (particularly DH) has still basically boiled down to IVF as the only way to go to have a biological child.  I know there are a LOT of other ways to have a child, but we still aren't prepared for those alternatives yet.  We're stubborn and haven't quite given up hope yet, even though there have been plenty of moments when I feel like giving up on the whole damn thing. That being said, the plan is that we will make our last IVF attempt #3 with our new RE in January.

With the start of my December cycle, I started the BCPs again today.  We have an appointment the last week in December to freeze some of DH's spunk (as back up - in case of emergency, I guess!) and for me to have an HSG.  With my history of polyps, I wouldn't be surprised if I have one that has grown back.  That would delay us another month or two, so I'm not getting too amped up about the IVF cycle happening in January until after that appointment.

It's weird though.  In the past, I would get all jittery and excited and hopeful about a new cycle.  But with all the disappointment we've had, I just don't feel it yet.  And I'm trying hard not to get hopeful and excited.  I don't know how well that is working for me though, because here I am - blogging about it.  I still don't want to talk about it openly to other people because it probably won't work.  The odds are not in our favor.  The more people that know about the cycle, the worse I feel when it doesn't work.  The more sympathy that I get from others, the more I feel sorry for myself.  And that's the worst.  It would be nice to be able to go through the whole cycle without telling a soul.  I really just want to be normal and I really just want to be able to have a baby like a normal person.  Is that too much to ask?  Apparently, it is.

My Take on Baby Showers

From Dictionary.com:

Main Entry:  baby shower
Part of Speech:  n
Definition:  a party given for a pregnant woman, to which guests bring presents for the baby
Example:  Having a baby shower arranged by a family-member or relative is seen as bad form and self serving by many traditionalists.
Etymology:  1902

Wikipedia (as faulty of a source as any) also mentions that baby showers have traditionally been for the first born child rather than subsequent children.  Baby showers are to impart wisdom to a new mother and "shower" them with gifts that a new mother and new baby might need.  More recently, baby showers can occur for every baby born. 

I used to love, love baby showers.  I loved the games, and the fun gathering, and the excitement of a new baby.    I still do, however, my love for them has waned recently.  Mostly because some of the showers I have been invited to recently have been for 2nd or 3rd kids - when I've already been to a shower for the 1st kid.  Didn't they get "showered" with enough gifts from their first kid?  I was there.  I saw how much they raked in.  I don't know.  Maybe not.  And, on top of that, these showers seem to be given by the pregnant person's mom or mother-in-law.  Is that tacky or "self-serving"?  Also, an e-vite on facebook, to me, does not replace a good ol' fashioned snail mail invitation. 

What a weekend!

Friday, 10/21: DH's best friend has their third child, a son named Jacob.  We go to my cousin's wedding.  They met and married in about a year.  She's 30, he's 26.  My guess is that this time next year she'll have a kid.  Also, my brother and his wife are waiting patiently in line to go to the hospital to be induced.

Saturday, 10/22: G.T.L. - All you Jersey Shore fans will recognize this acronym as Gym, Tan, Laundry.  Ok, so I skipped the gym, and I don't tan, but I did do laundry.  Then, we went to a halloween party as cast members of the Jersey Shore.  I'm a little too tall to be Snooki, but we had a blast!  My brother and SIL finally get to go to the hospital by the evening to start being induced.

Sunday, 10/23: I'm hungover and go to my grandma's house to help her paint along with my mom and aunts.  Exhausting!  My brother and SIL finally end up having their baby girl via c-section by 7pm (my time).  Kyndall.  Cute right?  I'm so happy for them and excited to go visit them, but I'm still smashing down a few feelings of sadness for us. But Kyndall's birth was a lot easier to handle than the pregnancy announcement was.

Annoying Profile

This shouldn't annoy me, but it does.  I should think it's kind of cute in a wierd way.  And, I understand facebook profile pictures will always consist of ultrasound pictures, pregnant bellies, and then later, of new babies.  However, when I saw this profile pic of a friend who is soon to be a mother of 3, I was a little bit annoyed.  And maybe it's just me.

I should have been an actress...

I should have been an actress. Or maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Or maybe I am a green-eyed monster. Maybe I’m all three.


My sister-in-law (on my husband’s side of the family) had her baby boy last Tuesday, on the 13th. Joshua is his name. I’m glad I live far enough away that I don’t have to DO anything pronounced.

My co-worker texted this morning while I was getting ready for work that she went into labor with her first child last night. This is after I just sent out save the date emails (for October) for her work baby shower yesterday. So, I did what every rational, childless, infertility-stricken, 30ish woman would do: I cried in front of my mirror as I was putting my make-up on. Yup. Let’s just say that putting makeup on while crying is no easy feat. Also, I’m an ugly crier.

I got that out of my system and came to work. There are 4 of us in my dept, including my boss. I am the only one that decides to come to work today (and why can't you have a baby and come back to work an hour later?!)  Of course. So I get to be the one to spread all the happy news about my co-worker’s new son and greet every person that comes to the dept with an over-joyed smile on my face. Yeah for me. She had the baby at 8:14 a.m., I got to work at 8:30 (ok - maybe 8:35), I received a text from her complete with a picture at 8:45. Like my nephew, the baby’s name is Joshua. Go figure. I had my happy-go-lucky email sent off by 9 a.m. And I’ve gotten about 30 email responses so far. So, maybe I don’t have to be a good actress. Just a good script writer.

At least until my little brother’s baby girl is born in the next few weeks.

Next...

After the less than stellar SA results, we talked to the doc about it today.  Bottom line: IVF w/ ICSI is the way to go.  So, what else is new?  DH is going to keep taking the HCG indefinitely.  At least until I get pregnant, dammit!  He's also gonna give the non-drinking thing a go and we'll test him again in 3 months.
I called the insurance company. We have $1,100 left of infertility coverage for 2011. The HCG and the SA tests will suck up the rest of that pretty quickly. Obviously, it will not be enough for IVF this year. Financially, we're in no big hurry to get answers or to aggressively seek treatment as we won't be able to do IVF again until January when our 5K limit starts over (after we pay 5K out of pocket!). Still, I've warned DH, I'm only going through that one more time.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

In the meantime, I'm going to try not to think about it again.  It's the only way to pass the time.  It makes me sick to think how far away January seems (and how cold!).  But, as time does, it tends to fly by.  Fall, football season, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and bam! it's January already.  So I'll just try to enjoy it.  That's all I can do!

Dusting off the Infertility Thoughts

The last 3 months have gone by quickly.  Don't the summers always go by quick?   I've been in a pretty good place mentally.  Beyond the 3-day-a-week reminder via HCG shots for my husband (who calls them 'testosterone' shots to everyone else), I've been able to 'forget' that we struggle with infertility.  There hasn't been anything we can DO about it and we're DOing everything we can.  No tests to take.  No treatments.  No stirrups.  No drugs (for me anyway).  No doctors or nurses.  No one asking how things are going in the baby-making department.  No bad news.  It's been heaven.
As much as we have been looking forward to the long awaited semen analysis results to see if the HCG treatment is making super-swimmers like it should, it is the start of more decision making and more discussions about our infertility.  It's been so easy to pretend that we are baby-less by choice, and it's been so easy to pretend that I don't feel a little pang of jealousy at every pregnant woman I see (and they are everywhere!).  I have compartamentalized the infertility part of my life in the way back of my brain and have effectively ignored it for 3 glorious months.  Until this week.

This week I dusted off the infertility-thinking part of my brain.  DH had his SA on Monday and the nurse called him back with the results on Tuesday.  Good news and Bad news.  Isn't that always the case?  The good news was that between March and August, his morphology (shape) went from 1% to 3% (they want at least 5% to do IUI).  Improvement is good and could have been largly attributed to not smoking.  The bad news was that his total count went from 41 million (they want > 40) to 1 million.  Yikes.  Also, the immaturity level went from 3% to 17%.  What the heck?  The nurse didn't think the HCG was doing to the swimmers what they wanted it to.  To me, this news was not what I expected.  My expectations were much higher.  We're not devastated, but highly disappointed.

The nurse suggested DH continue HCG for another month and repeat the SA in case it was a flukey test.  She also suggested DH quit drinking liquor (he likes his whiskey) to see if that improves his numbers too.  Her opinion was that IVF would be the next step considering these numbers.  In any event, we've scheduled a phone consult with the doctor for Aug. 29th to see what he thinks we should do.  De ja vu.

48-72 hours

So as anyone who has had to have (or their spouse has had) a seman analysis, there are certain rules that must be followed prior to the appointed time.  Rule #1.  Abstinence.  One such male must abstain from sex with others (and oneself) for 48-72 hours prior to the appointment.  It sounds very easy.  But, this 2-3 day window is very difficult.  You're supposed to have "fresh" sperm for the appointment, but not so fresh that you can have sex the previous day.  You're supposed to abstain for up to 3 days, but you don't want to abstain for much longer than that.  So what is one supposed to do?  Well, you have to plan for sex.  And even though their is a slim to none chance that I can get pregnant the good ol' fashioned way, I'd like to believe by some divine miracle I could.  And of course, today is the coveted day 14 of my cycle.  Most often the most fertile day of the month.  And the appointed seman analysis that we've been waiting 3 months for is on Monday at 11 am.  That's right -  in exact hours, this is less than 48 hours away.  And what have we done?  Nothing.  That is because in less than the magic 48 hours, my husband must pleasure himself into a tiny cup - all in the name of science (and future babies).  So, here I am on a Saturday night, on the eve of our 7th year wedding anniversary, griping about one of the ways this infertility thing has screwed me over (in not the fun way).  C'est la vie.

Volleyball Commitment?

To continue the "too hot" theme I've got going, here's a random true story:

I've been playing sand volleyball with my current team for 3 summers.  The thing about sand volleyball in the midwest is that even though it's summer, the weather is rarely sunny and 75 degrees for our games.  It is either freezing, raining, too buggy, or too hot/sticky.  The first summer playing on this league, 2 years ago, a player from the opposite team brought her family.  Her brand new family and her two-day old - just got out of the hospital a few hours earlier - newborn.  Not only did she bring a very fragile newborn to a dirty sand volleyball game after just checking out of the hospital, but this particular day was one of those 100 degree, humid days.  I remember our team talked about how crazy she was and how we couldn't believe she could do that to her newborn.  They must have been very committed to their volleyball team!

Fast forward 2 years...  Last night as we're getting ready to play our game in the hot, humidness, the same woman from the opposing team looked a little bit pregnant.  As I looked to the sidelines, I see her husband, her now 2 year-old son and their 2 WEEK old baby girl.  She did it again!  It is so miserable outside and she dragged both kids to the 9:30 p.m. volleyball game.  And get this - they were at a parade outside all evening prior to coming to volleyball.

How lucky have I been to bear witness to this woman and her commitment to sand volleyball?  All I could do was shake my head...

Summer Heat

It's 100 degrees out with a 115 degree heat index today.  The humidity is so high, you could cut the air with a knife.  My air conditioner just can't keep up!  One positive in this heat is that I'm NOT pregnant.  Yes, I said it.  Some days, I have moments that I'm so very glad that I'm not.  A big, "ha, ha,ha" to all those women who are in their late 2nd or 3rd trimester right now (and I know a LOT of them right now).  As much as I am happy for them (at least outwardly), want to be them (inwardly), and want a kid (someday), it is just too damn hot to be pregnant today.  Lucky for me, I'm not!