2016

It is 2016! And I am a mother of two boys!

On 11/30/2015, we were blessed with our second little boy, Mason.  It is hard to believe sometimes.  When I look at my posts from only 3 years ago, I didn't think we would ever have children.  And here we are with two!  Life with two kids really is twice the work.  No joke.  However, it is the 2 year old that is taking up about 2/3 of the work!  But the newborn is the cause for 95% of the sleep deprivation!

Mason's arrival was almost a carbon copy of Logan's birth story.  Planned and relatively easy (don't hate me). I was induced on the Monday after Thanksgiving - on my due date.  We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.  At 6:30 a.m., I was dilated to 3 cm and they started the Pitocin to increase the contractions.  I had been having them all night, so I think I would have gone into labor sooner rather than later even without the induction.  At 7:00 the doctor broke my water and at 7:45,  I got the epidural.  Initially, I thought I was being a wussy by getting it that early, but as it turned out, labor progressed pretty quickly and it was a godsend that I got it when I did.  I was dilated to 4 by 8:15.  Then, we hung out for awhile and when I was checked 2 hours later, I was dilated to 9.5 cm!  We were ready to go!

After 3 or 4 pushes, Mason arrived at 10:56 a.m.  He was 8 lbs and 5.5 ounces and was 21 inches long.  My husband cut the cord and he was immediately placed on my chest, skin to skin.  I didn't get to do this with Logan, so wasn't really expecting it.  Mason was gross since he just came out of the birth canal, but it was a very precious and emotional moment nevertheless. 

I returned to work last week after 8 1/2 weeks.  (The maternity leave allowance in this country is terrible, by the way - FMLA is not enough).  It is nice to start our real life routine.  But, today on this Groundhog Day, I am home with my family during a blizzard.  It is so nice to be a family of four.

Wow!

I'm one of those bloggers...you know.  The ones that blog and blog and then have a kid and nothing.  For weeks.  For months.  And in my case, like a year and a half!  My last post was about 17 months ago - around St. Patrick's day, 2014.  I knew then that I would most likely be MIA for awhile.  My priorities totally shifted with a kid.  And time has become a precious commodity.

I had predicted that we would be pregnant or at least trying to get pregnant by the next year.  And it is true.  Logan turn 1 in November 2014, I had stopped breast feeding (yes, give me a gold star for making it 12 months!), so thoughts started turning to #2.  My husband and I aren't getting any younger, so let's do it.

Unfortunately for us and many others who have struggled with infertility, it's never as easy as it sounds.  And we weren't one of those lucky, magical people that struggle and then "oops" find out they are pregnant naturally.  Nope. Not us. Fortunately, I'm a realist and a Type A planner, so we had stored 4 vials of the same donor sperm we had used to conceive Logan. 

So in December, we tried, using the usual 2 vials during the cycle.  All natural, just an ovulation predictor kit, a wish, and a prayer.  Negative pregnancy test.  In January, we tried again with the very last 2 precious vials of sperm.  My brother called me during the 2-week wait to inform us that "oops" they were pregnant with their 3rd kid.  Really?!  Trying to rain on my parade - even though I was very happy for them.  Another pregnancy test for us.  Same result.  Negative.  We were out.  We checked the cryobank for some more and there were no more available and/or no more for sale.  We were very disappointed and didn't know what to do next.

After much discussion and chats with the cryobank, we had a only a few options.  We could be put on a list to wait and see if any of our donor's sperm became available for sale (meaning, vials could be sold back to the cryobank when no longer needing to be stored).  So we got on the list.  Then, if we wanted to "reactivate" the donor, we could at a significant cost.  The cryobank would contact the donor (at a cost) to determine if the donor was willing to donate again.  If no, we're out.  If yes, he would go through the same time consuming testing and donating process (at our expense).  This can take up to a year.  And then, there is no guarantee that his new donations would be acceptable for donation.  And even if they are, we then still need to purchase the vials that we need (at 500-800 a pop).  This is not a cheap endeavor.  Lastly, we could choose a new donor.

We didn't really want to choose a new donor because we really wanted Logan to have a full blood sibling.  A partner in crime.  Someone in the same boat.  Someone who came to be in the same fashion.  But we really don't have the cash flow or the time to spend getting the donor to donate again.  What to do?

As we were figuring this all out, one day in February, I was at the gym.  I got a phone call from the Cryobank.  Lo and behold, one lonely vial had come up for sale.  Would we be interested?  Hell yes!  I couldn't get off the elliptical fast enough!   

So, we purchased the one vial and called the fertility clinic to see if we could do a medicated, clomid and HCG IUI cycle.  It was on for my next cycle in March.  One year from my last blog post.  I was in the 2-week wait during St. Patrick's day. I thought about posting at that time, but didn't.

Then, on a Monday morning in March before work, I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive!  It was meant to be.  Fast forward 21 weeks (I'm 25 weeks now), and I'm sitting at the lab doing my 3-hour glucose test.  I had a few minutes (or hours) so this post was born!

We are having a boy.  Due 5 days after Logan's 2nd birthday, November 30th, 2015.

One Lucky Year

What a difference a year makes! Last year at this time, I had just found out I was pregnant (in Las Vegas on St. Patrick's Day, to be exact). Now, I hold my almost-four month old baby boy.  At least once a day, we marvel in disbelief that we have this little baby.  He is ours. We have a kid! We are so lucky.

We completed the DNA testing and found that there is a 0% chance of paternity by my husband. Again, this is what we expected, but I still felt a little sadness when we got the results.  I can not imagine what my husband feels.  He has been so strong and such a good father.  We needed to know for sure.  The results put to rest the small twinge of hope that a genetic link existed, so that we could move on and appreciate our unique family the way it is.

I was lucky and blessed to have a relatively easy pregnancy.  I actually had a thought the other day that I missed being pregnant!  Then, we have been lucky and blessed to have such a "good" baby.  He only cries when he is tired or hungry.  He sleeps through the night now...and I'm talkin' a solid 9-10 hours!  He is the kind of kid that tricks fertile parents into having multiple children in quick succession.  If having one perfect baby is this wonderful, having two perfect babies will be doubly wonderful, right?! 

Good or bad, we really don't have to worry about an "accidental" pregnancy.  We physically can't be tricked!  But the little guy really does make us think about the future and the possibility of future siblings sooner, rather than later.  What will the next year bring?  If things go the way we plan, we hope that by this time next year, I will be pregnant again - one way or another.  But, we know all too well what God thinks of our so-called "plans"!

My Last Day

As predicted, my last day of leave has come all too soon.  I'm going back to work tomorrow after 11 weeks.  I'm going back a week early so that I can work part time for two weeks before delving back into the work world full-time.  It is bittersweet.  I'm looking forward to getting back into the real world and what will be our "normal" routine, in addition to adult conversations that do not include baby talk or computer work that does not include incessant posting of baby pics to facebook and instagram!  On the other hand, I'm not looking forward to missing my baby during the day or forging a more intimate relationship with my breastpump.  I'm sure every mom has that little pang when going back to work.

One thing that will make this transition easier for me is that my mother-in-law decided to retire and will be watching Logan full-time.  We had our daycare all lined up 3 months ago, before Logan was born.  Then, two weeks ago, she stopped by to tell me she got a full-time job! yikes!  So, that was MIL's opportunity to quit her job.  So we let her!  It is comforting to know that family that we love and trust will be taking care of him.  My only concern is that I want MIL to be grandma first and our paid daycare second.  So if she gets burned out or Logan is getting old enough where interaction with other kids (and education/preschool) is more important, we may make changes.  But for now, it is a nice situation!

Logan is growing by leaps and bounds.  He is 11 weeks old today and is over 13 pounds.  We love him so much.  I've spent most of his afternoon nap today downloading the 400+ pictures and video that we have taken since he was born.  It is rediculous...but he changes so much from day to day and week to week (at least to me!).  Today, I also re-dressed him up in his baptism outfit from 2 weeks ago.  I had a major mom-fail that on baptism day because I took very few pictures - and those that I did take were on my phone.  Not great.  So, today, I did a little photo shoot to make up for it - before he outgrows his suit!

If this outfit wasn't representing a holy baptism,
I would call this P.I.M.P.

Who Does He Look Like?

I'm not a big fan of the question, "who does he look like"?  Because, frankly, there are more questions than answers to this particular query!  When some people meet Logan, they feel the need to find the source of my son's features.  Does he look like me?  Does he look like Husband?  Who's eyes?  Who's nose? Who's mouth, cheeks, hair color, ears, etc., etc.?  I understand that these questions are natural - especially for those that do not know our situation - but it is equally awkward to answer these questions.  My initial response is "I don't know" or "He looks like Logan".  Since we have not been shouting from the rooftops that we used a donor, any other responses to this question either lean to my side of the family (since we are pretty sure he came from my egg!), are a white lie, or hurt my husband's feelings (at least in my mind).

Technically, there is a small, microscopic chance that Logan could have came from my husband's sperm.  Maybe Husband's lazy sperm took a ride on the donor sperm train and hit the target before the donor did!?  Maybe.  I doubt it.  We doubt it.  But Husband still holds out hope.  And we need to know for sure, for sure.  For medical reasons, for Logan, and for our sanity.  And the only way to know for sure is a DNA test or a blood test (which could rule my husband out or also be inconclusive). 

The first, and easiest way to find out (or rule out certain possibilities) would be a blood test.  Unfortunately, my husband doesn't know his blood type.  Then, apparently, blood typing is not a routine procedure for babies in the hospital or at the doctor's office.  So we don't know Logan's blood type at this point, either.  I have to ask the pediatrician what the process would be to get him blood typed at his next appointment in February.  It sounds simple, but I have a feeling this paternity thing is going to be a complicated thing to find out for sure...maybe I should just call the Maury Povich show!

I had to refresh my memory from high school science class and went HERE to find out what the possibilities are.  Basically, there are only so many blood types Logan could be if he came from the donor (in our case, A+ or O+).  If he is NOT one of those types, then he probably came from my husband.  Miracle of miracles!  If he IS one of those types (which is most likely), we would need to find out if my husband's blood type would still make Logan a possibility.  And if BOTH donor and my husband happen to have the same blood type, then we would have to do DNA to find out for sure.  Ai yi yi. 

In any case, we love and will always love Logan unconditionally.  It would make life easier if he came from my husband, but when has anything in this area of our lives been easy?

Raising Cain (Finally!)

My world has changed forever! Our baby Logan is here and we are finally "Raising Cain"!

And, I am finally getting around to writing this blog post.  I've started it and restarted it several times.  I even finished it and then lost the entire post once (majorly frustrating).  I can understand why people can't keep up their blogging after a baby is born.  They are wonderfully exhausting and all consuming little people!

Logan arrived ON his due date, with very little drama and was perfectly healthy.  I couldn't ask for anything more.

On Monday, 11/25, we arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. to be induced.  By 6:30 a.m. the Pitocin was flowing and I was dilated to 2.5 cm.  It was gonna be a long day!  I didn't want to slow down labor any more than I had to, so I waited to get the epidural until about 11 a.m.  I consider myself a strong woman with a high-ish pain tolerance, but those 4 hours of contractions were a little rough.  They hurt!  Thank God for modern medicine and epidurals.

The anesthesiologist probably thought I was nuts because I started crying before I even got stuck by the epidural needle.  I think it was a combination of hormones, fear, nervousness, and after many years of infertility, the realization that this was all very real.  So, there was probably a mix of happiness there, too.  But, I successfully freaked out my husband and caught the nurses off guard with my display of emotion at a very odd time.

Shortly after the epidural, I was dilated to 4cm. We told our mothers (who wanted to be at the hospital - not the delivery room - for the birth) that we thought it would be 5 or 6pm before delivery. Then, at about 12:30 p.m., my doctor came in after lunch to check on me.  In less than an hour and a half, I went from 4 cm to 10 cm.  It was go time!


Me and Logan
11/25/2013 at 1:08 p.m.
8lbs 3oz and 21 in

All of a sudden, the delivery room was a fluster of activity.  The nurses, the doctor, the baby nurse, the stirrups.  They were getting me ready, themselves ready, and getting ready for the arrival of a baby! 

Push, push, push, push, push, push!  I'd never heard that word said so much at one time!  Within five contractions/pushes and a 2nd degree episiotomy, Logan appeared at 1:08 p.m.  Husband cut the cord and I cried (again) at the sight of my bloody, newborn son.  The doctor and nurses all said I did such a wonderful job - and even though they probably say it to every mother, I think they really meant it.  I said that everyone has to be good at something!

And since then, it has been a parade of diapers, nursing and visitors.  I'm thankful that the delivery went so smoothly and that Logan is so healthy.  Even though I have nothing really to compare to, so far, Logan has been a really easy baby.  Now, I'm somewhat sleep deprived and trying to take care of myself, my son, birth announcements, and Christmas presents.  It's no wonder new moms shouldn't go back to work right away!  And, if I do say so myself, Logan has got to be one of the cutest kids ever!

Week 39 and Waiting...

I’m in the home stretch!  I thought the 2 week wait was bad, but no, I think the Week 39 wait is pretty bad, too!  Now that I am considered full-term, it is even harder to wait for this kid to come out – both physically and emotionally.  I'm as prepared as anyone can be for this adventure.  Let's get on with it already!

Cankles = Not Normal

On the physical front, I have been dilated a tiny bit for the last 3 weeks.  At first, I was at a 1cm.  As of yesterday, I am close to 2cm dilated.  I can feel the additional pressure “down thar” as I think baby is starting to move in the right direction.  I have mega-cankles, but thankfully, the swelling is staying in the lower extremities and my blood pressure has been within normal limits.  I feel huge and my belly is as hard as a rock.  If I didn’t know there was a fragile baby inside this belly, I could take anyone in a belly-bumping contest!

 

My due date is Monday, 11/25/13.  With Thanksgiving later in the week, OB on-call schedules, and given my “history” of having tried so hard to get to this point, my doctor wants to induce me on this date.  I’m not a huge fan of being induced – frankly, I’d just rather not.  But at the same time, I don’t want to go so far past my due date that my baby is at risk for additional complications.  The word “still-birth” scares the living daylights out of me.  Almost as much as premature labor did earlier in my pregnancy.  Plus, it would be nice to have MY doctor deliver this baby over someone that knows little to nothing about us.

Otherwise, it is hard to imagine how different my life will be by this time next week.  On one hand, I feel like I have been pregnant forever and that I will be pregnant forever.  On the other hand, it feels like this new reality is happening all of a sudden and I haven’t had 9 months to prepare!

On a different note, I am an aunt again today!  My brother and his wife had their 2^nd little girl today via scheduled C-section.  I would be happy for them no matter what, but I am even more ecstatic because we get to give their children a cousin very soon.

Our new niece!

Full Term: Hard to Believe

As of tomorrow, I will be 37 weeks and considered full-term! It is so hard to believe sometimes.  If I didn't have cankles and wasn't constantly unconfortable and feeling this kid move around so much, it would be impossible to believe.  My doctor's appointments are weekly now and at last check, I am not dilated at all and I am "normal and boring".  I can't complain about that!  I can't say that I've been in the "nesting" stage, but I do feel like there is so much to do and so much to get done every evening and every weekend and my days to do them are numbered.

More or less, the nursery is done.  And I love it!

October was a very busy month (and I'm thankful I didn't go into labor!).  Between child birth prep classes at the hospital and New Daddy Bootcamp that Husband went to, in the last 3 weeks, I've had 3 baby showers.  All of them were fantastic!  My best friends in the world threw one for friends and my husband's family.  My cousin threw one for my dad's side of the family.  And my co-workers threw one for me at work.  Everyone has been so generous with their time, gifts, and support. So much so, that we are pretty much stocked and ready to go.  SO much adorable [and practical] stuff!  Between duplicate gifts and gift cards, we were able to pay for our car seat and stroller this weekend.  Husband is still in charge of installing it...I also have been thinking I need to get some sort of hospital bag packed, too!


Cookie bouquet:
Husband saved the center cookie in the freezer to eat
when we bring baby home - he can be so sentimental sometimes!

Keep On Keepin' On - Week 31

I rounded the 31 week corner, and I am feeling pretty good!  At week 26, I had the glucose test/drink and I just barely failed.  I blame it on the Q'doba 3-cheese nachos that I had for lunch.  Probably not the best choice to metabolize before my 2:00 blood draw!  So, I had to do the 3 hour test at the hospital.  They should really call it the 5 hour test, because it took forever and I couldn't eat anything until it was over.  But I did pass that one!

At week 27 and again at week 28, we had the 3D ultrasound.  These pictures are purely elective and cost $200.  What's $200 in the grand scheme of things - especially considering all of the ultrasounds I have had in my life!?  At week 27, we didn't get very good pictures because baby had hands and umbilical cord in front of his face.  So we tried again the next week.  This time, he had hands, umbilical cord, knees, and ankles in front of his face.  He, literally, was in a ball and didn't want his picture taken!  So, the end result is a profile pic.  After some instagram finessing, you might be able to see it if you hold it away from your face and squint:

In addition to these doctor appointments, I've been working on the nursery most weekends. Like most home improvement projects, one thing often leads to another. New blinds led to new trim, which led to re-doing more painting and re-putting up curtains!  But the [almost] end result looks pretty good (if I do say so myself!).  Now, I just have to find the closet space to put all of this baby stuff - or else get a new house - and that's not happening any time soon!

Going with a little elephant theme - even though it's only on the valences and the mobile.

The only wall decoration [so far] is a Nebraska Cornhusker clock (baby boy style) is strictly for Husband!

I mostly just want this kid to keep cooking for as long as possible.  My greatest fear now is that he will come too early.  I do not take for granted that this pregnancy is special (at least to us!) and that every day that I am pregnant is a miracle.  It is sometimes very hard to believe. My husband will look at my swollen belly in wonder and ask how we got here. 

It can be so easy to forget how very long and hard the infertility road to here was.  Because, of course, it will all be worth it.  That's what they all say, right?! And this pregnancy, as magical and easy or as hard and uncomfortable as it can be, it will all be worth it.

Cyst-free Viability

We had our follow up appointment on July 23rd and our baby boy is cyst-free! The relief was palpable. A huge weight was taken off of our shoulders almost instantaneously.  And now, at 24 weeks today, our baby has reached the point of viability. They say that at this point, if our baby was to be born now (God forbid!), he would have a 50/50 chance of survival.  And every week hereafter, his chance of survival only increases.  Again, this is yet another milestone that I wouldn't normally have recognized if it weren't for infertility and the heartbreaks that close friends have endured with premature births.

After taking three weeks to clear out the spare bedroom, make multiple trips to the Goodwill, and repair walls, this past weekend, we got the nursery painted. I was going for a more neutral color that would last past the baby years, but after Husband described my "gray silt" pick as "poop" on the walls, we went for a light, silvery blue instead, called Woodlawn Silver Brook (where do they come up with these names?!). Somehow seeing this room painted makes this having-a-baby-thing even more real - as if the life form inside of me that I can feel inside and out doesn't make it seem real enough!

Our next step in Project Nursery is to paint the trim and the closet doors (white) and to replace the door to the room (since the frame was broken and the door will not stay shut).  Hopefully, we can get this done this coming weekend.  Then comes the fun part - shopping for furniture and décor!

 

It's A BOY!

It's weird how three little words can shape your entire future. It's a boy! We're having a little boy!  It is so exciting either way, but what does a boy mean for us?  What does the future hold?  What will our family look like?  Will our boy have siblings?  Will they be close? Will he be smart?  Will he be a jock?  Will he go to college?  What will be his career?  Will he get married? Will I get to meet my grandchildren?  Will he be healthy?

Not the best ultrasound pictures I've ever seen, but he was a little mover and a shaker!  It was hard for the tech to get good pictures.  I just can't believe I still can't feel him doing these somersaults!  In addition to finding out the gender of our baby, our 20-week ultrasound also checks the anatomy of our baby and some very important checks as to the health of our baby.  We waited for the doctor while on cloud 9 (a.k.a. an exam room) after seeing our boy. We weren't seeing our usual doctor because she was on vacation.  So the doctor we had never met came in and proceeded to tell us that everything looked good except for a cyst.  A cyst?  What?  Where? What does that mean?  A choroid plexus cyst on the baby's brain?  The doctor tried to explain the situation to us so we could understand and not to worry, but with the multiple statistics she spouted off and the words "down syndrome" being repeated multiple times, our anxiety was not getting any better. 

Bottom line: These types cysts are common and most likely will go away (we heard the statistic of 90% of the time).  We'll check again in 2 weeks.  In the meantime, there is nothing to do about it.  Also to note, 30% of downs kids have this issue,  but they also have more than one notable issue at this point.  I had a blood test last month and the downs test came back "normal" or a low chance, so that is in our favor.  Although, statistics have never really been in our favor in the past...

In any event, this cyst news put a damper on our happy day.  So, so happy we're having a boy!  So, so scared everyday that we won't have a healthy child.  And so I've heard: welcome to parenthood!  I'm taking this news with a grain of salt.  Until otherwise stated, I'm going to assume that this annoying cyst thing will go away.  I'm also going to refrain from Googling this cyst.  I don't need anything more to be worried about.  And it also helped both of us that we each know co-workers that had children with this cyst that went on to disappear and then be perfectly healthy babies.

Until next time, I want to enjoy this pregnancy and this time.  I don't want to wish away the time I have with my baby boy safely inside me.

Almost Halfway

It's been awhile and I'm blissfully still pregnant at 18 weeks. My queasiness subsided around the twelve week mark and I we had another ultrasound at that time, too. 

All is still well and we found out at the 16 week mark (and the day after my 33rd birthday!) that there is a great chance that our kid will NOT have Downs Syndrome.  We didn't do all of the genetic testing that we could have during the first trimester because really, I don't want to know and it wouldn't matter anyway.  I also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time (158bpm) with the Doppler.

Now, comfortably in the 2nd trimester, I'm feeling good and filling out my clothes.  I'm reading 3 different baby books.  I haven't felt the baby move yet, but I keep waiting for it.  This is a very exciting time in our lives.  Everyone is so excited for us.  Those that have known our infertility struggles are even more so.  We still have bittersweet moments when we remember that DH doesn't have a genetic connection to the baby, but nonetheless, he is so excited to be a daddy.  I can't wait for the day. 

At the same time, I want to try to enjoy this time in my life because who knows if I'll get to be pregnant again?  Who knows what the future will hold?  But, like any type A personality, we have already planned for the future.  Hopefully, God won't laugh at our plans too hard.  But we hope that by the time the baby is a year old, the flood gates will have been opened and I will have gotten pregnant with #2 naturally, the old fashioned way.  The realist in me, however, knows that we most likely will have to go to plan B.  Plan B is to do IVF again.  DH wants a genetic child, and I don't blame him.  I've agreed to try it one more time.  Then, if that fails (one way or another) to produce #2, we will use donor insemination again.  In preparation for Plan C, we purchased 4 vials (2 attempts) from our original donor and are keeping them frozen until the time comes.  This, in itself, was over $3K!

We are now counting the minutes until our next appointment on July 9th.  This will be the 20th week and the ultrasound where we find out the gender of the baby!  We can't wait!

It's Out!

We had our 9-week ultrasound on 04/25 and got nothing but good news! The baby has two legs, two arms, fingers, and was actually measuring ahead of schedule by about 4 days.  The heartrate this time around was 162 bpm.  The genetic counselor indicated that for their clinic, most miscarriages occur before 9 weeks, so we can be as confident as we can be at this stage in the pregnancy at having a healthy pregnancy.  That let us breath a temporary sigh of relief until the counselor started talking about first trimester screenings that can find downs syndrom, birth defects, and other scary things a baby can have!

 

I finally told my work about our pregnancy on May 1st.  I waited until our monthly, 9 a.m. staff meeting and once our normal business was discussed, I said that I had one more project that I was working on.  I'm pregnant! (I still like saying it!).  My manager and two co-workers couldn't be more excited for me and it was a relief to get the news off of my shoulders.

 

So once my work knew the news, I pulled the trigger for our parents to be able to tell whomever they wanted by sending them a text message.  Within an hour, other co-workers that are friends with my mother-in-law were congratulating me.  Within 2 hours, my dad had told my uncles, too.  Not only did he tell them about my news, but also about my brother's news (who is expecting the day before we are)!  Anyway, word is out, and I love the congrats and the happiness!

 

Public, Private, or somewhere in between?

Our pregnancy is not yet public knowledge (even though husband is having a VERY difficult time keeping his mouth shut!). I am hesitant to let everyone know for a variety of reasons, mostly from a fear of miscarriage or something going wrong.  Our ultrasound at 6 weeks was completely normal.  The baby is measuring at the right size, we saw the heartbeat that was going to town at 129 bpm!  It was so wonderful to see it.  It is so hard to put all of our different emotions into words.  There really is something in there!

Because of our means of pregnancy, we'll get another ultrasound at 9 weeks with our RE.  If all is well, I will "graduate" to my local OB and get a third ultrasound at 12 weeks.  One of the perks of infertility: multiple ultrasounds of baby!  It almost makes up for all of the vaginal ultrasounds during treatments!

When one is in the throes of infertility, the end game is a pregnancy or at least a child to love.  The end justifies the means - whether that's adoption, IUI, IVF, or through the use of donors - to name a few.  Often, however, everyone (at least the fertiles of the world and even me) forget what the ramifications of infertility is once a child has come into the picture.  There is an impact on the parents, the child, and the child's world.  Fertiles would have me believe that once I have my kid, infertility is a problem of the past. No one needs to know the difficulties we had to overcome to have this child, do they?

Unfortunately, I know that infertility will always be with me, one way or another.  In particular, my current pregnant state is definitely not the end of our story. It will not be a secret that we used a donor to bring our child into this world. The choice to use a donor was a difficult one. It is one that we both continue to struggle with - in particular for my husband. As any man would, he really wants to pass down his genetic charms. And with this pregnacy, it proved that I am able to get pregnant and that most of our infertility struggles truly were male factor. He has said more than once that this is a bittersweet time for him. He is so happy that we are pregnant, but so sad that it couldn't be with his sperm.

We are choosing that we will be up front with our child regarding their biological heritage.   It is not a disgrace, but I believe, a pregnancy by the grace of God.  However, this honesty about biology is like walking a tight rope. I want my future child to feel comfortable with his/her scenario and to know that it is completly "normal" for us and for him/her.  But, I also don't want to emphasize the genetics as to hurt my husband's feelings.  Then, if my child talks about it during the course of their upbringing, certain others would need to know, too.  Like doctors and teachers and friends.

But even before this child is born, do we mention biology in the course of our pregnancy announcements and talks? Of course, we will with our doctors and medical personnel, but do we talk about it with anyone and everyone? How up front should we be?  How up front do we have to be? Some know we went through infertility treatments, others do not. Even less know that we chose the donor route - mostly just close friends and relatives.  Even in the midst of extreme happiness at being pregnant, these are the questions that are constantly on our mind as we approach making this whole thing public.

Lamb or Lion?

What do they say about the weather in March?  In like a lion, and out like a lamb?  Or vice versa.  In like a lamb, and out like a lion?  I'm not sure which one is more accurate for my situation, but I started out the month peeing on a stick, waiting for a positive sign of ovulation, and not pregnant.  And I've ended the month peeing on a stick, waiting for a positive sign of pregnancy, and...I actually am pregnant!  I've waited a very long time to say that and to see and/or post a picture like this:

I was SO convinced that this cycle of donor insemination would not work.  I didn't allow myself to think it would work.  I didn't blog about it and I didn't talk about it with anyone except my mother (and husband, of course).  I was already planning on my next cycle and next vial purchase and counting the days to my next potential ovulation date.  On my work vacation in Las Vegas, I brought my usual stash of pads and tampons in preparation for aunt flo and one lonely digital test.  And lo and behold, for the first time in literally 20 years, I did not get my period and did not need my arsenal of personal hygiene products.

We had been in Vegas for one night. I wanted to be able to drink during my workation, so I decided to take the test a day early on St. Patrick's day.  I had to pee at about 6 am, so I figured I might as well get this over with.  I peed, tested, and barely got my pants up before the 'Pregnant' popped up on the digital. I guess my plan of having drinks over the next few days was not meant to be.  Happy St. Patrick's Day to us! 

I walked out of the bathroom in a state of shock, and just stood at the foot of the hotel room bed where my husband half-slept.  "What?!" he said.  I mumbled that "it's Positive!" and then broke down crying.  I still couldn't believe it.  We texted our parents and over the course of the next day or two we talked to a few family and friends - but were majorly hesitant to spread the word too much.

Then, the battery ran out on the digital test by late the next day.  I could no longer pick it up and read it over and over again.  So, two days after the initial test, we stopped at the Walgreens on Las Vegas Boulevard after seeing the fountains at the Bellagio to buy more pregancy tests! It was mildly embarrassing and DH made sure to comment on it as we walked through the aisles and went through the checkout!  So that night, positive picture #2 was born:

DH wanted to watch this one turn positive himself.  And sure enough it did, and quickly!  Because we were out of town, we couldn't get to the doctor for a blood test, so we waited over a week until Monday, 03/25.  That, too, was positive and my progesterone levels were great.  They look for over 15, and my number was 29.  Overachiever!  So, now, I am pregnant.  I am pregnant! I am pregnant!! The 6 week ultrasound is scheduled with my RE for next Thursday, 04/04.

Day 21

It has been 3 weeks!  I've peed on a stick (at work, no less) something like 12 days in a row and spend close to $100 in tests.  I was expecting a positive ovulation prediction of my LH surge on day 12-14, but instead, it didn't happen until day 20, on a Saturday morning!  This is really late and could almost be considered "late ovulation".  I haven't charted or tested my ovulation dates since 2008.  Why would I?  So, I'm not sure if this situation is "normal" for me, or if we picked the wrong cycle to go through this.

I contacted the doctor's office.  My usual RE is out of town.  The backup doc is from San Antonio and knows nothing of me or our situation, but he asked me if I wanted to wait until another cycle to go through with the IUIs because my positive OPK was so late.  Ugh.  No.  I don't want to wait. any. longer.  So what if this is not an optimal cycle?  It probably won't work anyway (pessimistic, I know).  So what if this is a waste of about $2,000?  If we don't do it, and they test my progesterone and I am still considered "normal", I may have wasted yet another cycle.  So, we threw the dice and it's done.

But now I worry.  Maybe this won't work (again) because my eggs are low quality.  Maybe I'm the problem.  Maybe we not only have male factor infertility, but female factor, too.  Maybe my polyps have returned.  Maybe I'm not ovulating on time.  Maybe my lining is not nice and thick without the aid of fertility drugs.  Maybe if I sneeze or poop too hard, this won't work.  I had coffee this morning and am drinking a diet soda now.  Is that bad?

Of course, this all occurs over the weekend that DH is out of town.  So alone I drove eaat 6 a.m. today (Day 21) and alone I waited and alone I was inseminated with Marky Mark's funky bunch. As a compromise, DH will join me tomorrow (Day 22) as I'm inseminated a second time.  I think it is important that he join me - even though he wouldn't have to.  I want him to feel as much a part of this as I am.  We may not be using his sperm to conceive, but we made this decision together and are in this together.

Day 1

The one month I want my period to come quickly and it comes about two days later than normal!  Ugh.  Today is finally, officially, Day 1 of this fateful cycle.  In anticipation, we've already ordered our two vials ($1,100)...husband calls them marky mark and the funky bunch!  And they were shipped today ($220) overnight to be delivered to our clinic tomorrow.  We're ready to go.  Next week, I'll start peeing on a stick to figure out when my LH surges.

Last week, my co-worker announced she is 15 weeks pregnant with #2.  Due in early August.  Why can't she announce these things when I'm NOT in the middle of a treatment cycle?  Like, say, the last 9 months?  Ai-yi-yi.  Oh, well.

Unlike husband, I'm not telling ANYONE about this project of ours.  I have only told my mom - but only because she asked.  I haven't told my closest friends and I've even made this blog private over the last few months.  I haven't told anyone at work about what we're up to, either.  I just don't feel up to witnessing the disappointment from others.  I know everyone is supportive of us, but it is even more heartbreaking for me when others know our pain or express their disappointment for us when it doesn't work.  I have very low expectations. 

Only a handful of co-workers (ok, only two) know about our infertility anyway - at least directly.  I'm sure more suspect or even know about it via other means.  No one asks me about when I'm having kids anymore.  But, hey, they don't tell me when they are going to have sex to try to make a baby, so even if they know about our infertility struggles, why should I tell them when I'm going to be inseminated?  None of anybody's business!  I'm just trying to figure out a good lie to tell them why I have to be out of the office (potentially) two half-days in a row for insemination. My brother will be in town from AZ that week, so he (and my cute, little niece) may have to be my little white lie!

How to Choose

As much as I want to move forward with donor insemination, I am holding back.  I'm allowing Husband time to grow to the idea and to take somewhat of a lead or at least make the first move.  This is a big decision and I don't want him to ever feel bad about doing this.  Once the deed is done, it's a little too late.  If he is at all uncomfortable with this, we won't do it.  Period.  So, I hadn't done any searching until Husband came home from work with a post-it note.  The note listed his 5 requirements of a donor: Blue eyes, Brown Hair, White, Greater than 6' tall, and less than 200 pounds.  Without saying it out loud, this was his way of telling me that we're really doing this.

I've never had the privilege of online dating, but I would suspect that searching for a donor baby daddy is not all that different.  Basically, we want a donor that has similar features and attributes as my husband. But, is it so wrong that we can look for a few "extra" qualities that he doesn't have? For example, 20/20 vision would be awesome. And if the donor has a high GPA and a college or master's degree? Well, why not a professional athlete that likes body building? And, I can tell you that husband hasn't been under 200 pounds in years!  Those qualities in a donor can't hurt, can they?!

So, I went to the website and registered as a user. I can search for donors for free (at Level I) based upon basic criteria, but if I want more detail, I have to purchase a donor information subscription.  I can pay $145 for 90 days of Level II access.  That gets me a childhood picture and an extended profile.  If I want even more personality tests, facial feature reports, and conversations with the donor, I have to pay $250 of Level III access.  If I get pregnant, I can pay the subscription fee (if I haven't already) to get a Donor Keepsake Packet. 

For now, I'm going Level I only. At first, DH wanted to see pictures, but after realizing that can't really help too much, we decided to wait to get that info. There are 427 total donors on the website.  I plugged in the criteria one by one.  We want tall kids, so the 6 foot height criteria dropped the donor count to 172. Blue Eye color dropped it down to 44.  Brown Hair color and Caucasion ethnicity dropped it down to 25.  I also could filter by blood type, hair texture, education level, religion, ancestry, and even celebrity look-a-likes! 

Some people prefer a certain blood type, too - especially those that are keeping the donation a secret from everyone, including the future child.  This is so if the child ever does the blood-typing exercise in science class, they won't accidentally find out that their father could not possibly be their biological father.  In our situation, we know we will be open and honest about this with those close to us - and especially with the child (of course, how this will be communicated is yet to be determined).  But anyway, I decided to start with the 25 donors, and ignore the blood type as a factor in our decision. 

After a few hours of browsing and playing with the filters, I narrowed it down to my 6 "favorites". I'm surprised at how young these guys are.  Most, if not all, are younger than me.  They were all born in the mid to late 1980's.  Also, their profiles are often filled out more than 2 years ago.  Among my initial favorites, I picked out a lawyer with a "strong jaw line", a baseball playing Mark Wahlberg look-a-like, a Catholic with a 29 ACT score, and a guy that likes fruit smoothies and wants to start a farm in Hawaii!  How to choose?

As an important decision as this may be, it took husband all of 20 minutes to make a decision from the six I chose.  I was shocked as I was expecting the analysis paralysis that I had experienced.  His quick decision was the "Smiling Athlete", the baseball playing (semi-pro) Mark Wahlberg look-a-like.  He liked the physical attributes, the "athlete" quality, and that the donor is described as laid back with a joking attitude.  I don't disagree, so #13521, you're it!

A New (and Old) Process

So how does this process of using donor sperm through insemination work, exactly?  Frankly, I get the premise.  I mean, we have done 9 IUI's, thank you very much! Just trade husband's spunk for stranger's spunk.  And we're done, right?  Yes, that is true, but it becomes a little more complicated.  This time around, I have to pay close attention to my cycle and ovulations on my own - again.  I haven't done that in 6 years!  This is now a natural process for us (sort of).  No drugs!  No clomid, no injections.  You don't know how happy that makes me.  I just pee on a stick every day and when the LH surges, call for an insemination appointment.  The RE's procedure in this case is to inseminate two days in a row.  The doctor's office pre-washes the thawed out stranger's spunk before placing it in the proper place inside me.  Then, we hope for the best.  We would do this 3 or 4 months in a row before a change in donor or an uptick in drugs (like clomid) would be called for.

I just had my period last week on January 13th, so we have until my next period (approximately, February 9th)  to make a decision on a sperm bank and a sperm donor.  We would place our order with the sperm bank for 2 vials and call the doctor's office.  The doctor sends documentation to the sperm bank and then the sperm bank ships the little purchased swimmers to the office in time for insemination after my LH surges (around February 21st). 

The RE's office does not promote or endorse any specific sperm bank. However, the nurse had a personal vote for the California Cryobank, because their website was user friendly and they haven't had any problems with them medically.  They gave us a fancy brochure and after checking the website (and the costs), I realize we have entered a whole new world of a multi-billion dollar industry.  It is scary and a bit overwhelming. 

A New Path

If Husband had his way, we would keep doing IVF until we were financially destitute, I was poked with so many holes that I spring leaks, and until it worked - at least once.  As for me, I'm done.  At least for now. We can no longer do this financially, and we can no longer do this for my sanity.  Everytime I think of our many failed attempts, I can't help but tear up at the thought of feeling sorry for us and the thought of getting our hopes so high just to come crashing down to earth each and every time.

So here we are.   After almost 10 months since our last failed attempt, we visited with our RE this week. We wanted to talk about what happened, what went wrong last year, and where do we go from here. As usual when we are at the office, husband seems to clam up and become very quiet (which is much out of his usual character).  I'm stuck taking charge, asking the questions, and directing the meeting.

We rehashed that we have done 9 IUIs, 3 fresh cycles of IVF and, 1 FET over the last [gasp!] 6 years.  We had some modem of success with the last two attempts because we actually had 2 embryos to transfer each time.  However, the end result has been the same.  No pregnancies.  Nada.  The RE had no real answers for us except to indicate possible chromosomal abnormalities or birth defects that may have caused the embryos not to take.  But that is just a theory.  There was nothing that they could see at the time that would have made them think it couldn't work.  Boy, we've heard that before.

So, I steered the conversation to the future, to our [my] thoughts on donor sperm and what the RE thought about it.  He talked for awhile about other people in similar situations and those that miraculously get pregnant on their own after a donor baby.  I hate that, but I'm sure he could feel husband's animosity toward the thought of donor sperm, and he was trying to make him feel better about it.  Bottom line, the use of donor sperm is less invasive, less expensive, an may be more successful.  The RE thought it was a good route to take for us.  The babies still come out super cute.  He also mentioned that we could do IVF again in the future, if we so decided.  That seemed to make DH feel a little better.  But, still, the ride home was mostly quiet as we both were thinking about what this path would mean; for us, for our families, for others, for our future child.  How would we handle this?  How will others react?  How will this decision play out?