We have a pattern. Do IVF, get disappointed, go on vacation in North Carolina. Do IVF, get disappointed, go on vacation in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. Do IVF, get disappointed, go on vacation to New Orleans, Louisiana. The only positive (literally) to this process is that a much needed get-the-hell-out-of-town-vacation is called for.
Even though most of these vacations were in place prior to IVF and we were going to go with either positive or negative results to the pregnancy tests, I, of course, was hoping to be pregnant while on vacation. I was hoping to not be able to drink or do any strenuous activities, and I was even hoping to have terrible morning sickness. But, alas, I'll just have to settle for getting my drink on in New Orleans!
We leave next week and I can't wait! We're driving to reserve some funds, so the husband and I will have plenty of quality car time together - don't worry, I'm stocking up on the eBooks and music!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Hold On
After massive doses of cookie dough, pizza, and enough alcohol to make me crazy on Friday night, I have come back up for air after the weekend and back to work today. I didn't go anywhere all weekend. I skipped the Super Bowl party we were invited to. Husband went, but I couldn't handle the questions and the "sorries" and the sad looks - not to mention the massive amount of children running around. Given the opportunity to hang out and drink with his best friends or to hang out with me, my husband will usually pick his friends every time. But last night, he only stayed for half the game and then joined me at home. And with the exception of my husband and our respective mothers, I didn't talk to a single person all weekend. Now it is time to get back to reality (and to return some phone calls!)
In an effort to gain back my sanity, get out of my funk, and to help lose some of the 10 pounds I've packed on in the last month due to this IVF cycle (ok - I can't blame all of it on IVF - but I will anyway), I'm trying to get back into somewhat of an exercise routine. I wasn't allowed to work out at all for the past 3-4 weeks, which I never thought I would miss, but I kind of did. Now, don't get me wrong, I am no exercise freak. I average only twice per week. And let's just say that running sucks. I've never enjoyed it (probably because I suck at it, too), but it's kind of tortuous, actually. But, I'll do the elliptical machine, circuit training, and, of course, volleyball.
In order to work out, I have to have tunes. I need good, up-tempo music to get me in the mood to keep going. So, in going through the random shuffle on my iPod, I found a song that I haven't listened to in a long time. I found myself really pounding the pavement to this song. It is "Hold On" by Good Charlotte. Yes, the song is about suicide, and no, I am not suicidal. Don't worry! But, some of the lyrics took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Here are some of the lyrics:
I realize that there are worse things in life than my little infertility dramas of late. I also know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff - as crappy, long, and drawn out as it may be. It's not yet time to give up. I just gotta keep on going, and realize that we really are one step closer than we were before.
In an effort to gain back my sanity, get out of my funk, and to help lose some of the 10 pounds I've packed on in the last month due to this IVF cycle (ok - I can't blame all of it on IVF - but I will anyway), I'm trying to get back into somewhat of an exercise routine. I wasn't allowed to work out at all for the past 3-4 weeks, which I never thought I would miss, but I kind of did. Now, don't get me wrong, I am no exercise freak. I average only twice per week. And let's just say that running sucks. I've never enjoyed it (probably because I suck at it, too), but it's kind of tortuous, actually. But, I'll do the elliptical machine, circuit training, and, of course, volleyball.
In order to work out, I have to have tunes. I need good, up-tempo music to get me in the mood to keep going. So, in going through the random shuffle on my iPod, I found a song that I haven't listened to in a long time. I found myself really pounding the pavement to this song. It is "Hold On" by Good Charlotte. Yes, the song is about suicide, and no, I am not suicidal. Don't worry! But, some of the lyrics took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Here are some of the lyrics:
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on
I realize that there are worse things in life than my little infertility dramas of late. I also know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff - as crappy, long, and drawn out as it may be. It's not yet time to give up. I just gotta keep on going, and realize that we really are one step closer than we were before.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Negative
It was negative when I took the test early last night. Damn that lonely, single line. It was still negative this morning, but I still felt compelled to give some blood to confirm at 8 a.m. Holding on to some tiny shred of hope. But, it was still negative when the nurse finally called at 4 p.m.
The only silver lining is that we have two frozen. I hate that these two have ended up being our back up plan and last ditch effort. I hate having a headache from crying. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate this.
Cookie dough, pizza, and lots of wine and/or booze are called for. Not necessarily in that order.
The only silver lining is that we have two frozen. I hate that these two have ended up being our back up plan and last ditch effort. I hate having a headache from crying. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate this.
Cookie dough, pizza, and lots of wine and/or booze are called for. Not necessarily in that order.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Symptoms?
I am refusing to get worked up about this. Except for the progesterone holes in my ass and the estrogen patch on my gut, my body feels pretty much 'normal'. I don't feel any different. Not pregnant anyway. And the fact that we're in the two week wait should have no bearing on how I imagine my body is feeling (or not feeling).
Both Friday and Saturday night this weekend, I woke up in the middle of the night sweating. Soaked through my shirt with sweat. Gross! I've had these night sweats before, but not for awhile. So, what does a woman in the 2WW do with this new information? I went straight to the internet to try to correlate any reference of night sweats to pregnancy. And, it is true that early pregancy can cause night sweats. But so can hormone replacement therapy in menopausal women. Did I mention I'm taking progesterone AND estrogen supplements? My hormones are all over the place, I'm sure. This can cause night sweats. So, my lovely little episodes could be because of the hormone supplements, pregnancy or both. I'm still hoping both!
Both Friday and Saturday night this weekend, I woke up in the middle of the night sweating. Soaked through my shirt with sweat. Gross! I've had these night sweats before, but not for awhile. So, what does a woman in the 2WW do with this new information? I went straight to the internet to try to correlate any reference of night sweats to pregnancy. And, it is true that early pregancy can cause night sweats. But so can hormone replacement therapy in menopausal women. Did I mention I'm taking progesterone AND estrogen supplements? My hormones are all over the place, I'm sure. This can cause night sweats. So, my lovely little episodes could be because of the hormone supplements, pregnancy or both. I'm still hoping both!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Nice Surprise
It's not very often that things in life happen the way I want them to. It's not very often I get good news when it comes to infertility. I can hardly believe it, though. Today, I got a wonderful surprise. (No - I'm not officially pregnant yet since it's too early to know - although that sure would be nice!) It was something I didn't expect to hear today. And maybe my super-low expectations are the reason since I seem to get the opposite of what I expect these days.
We have TWO frozen embryos!
That's right. I'm still in shock! Out of the 6 fertilized embryos, two were transferred, two didn't make it and two survived not only to Day 5, but also survived the deep freeze.
An embryologist called me yesterday and I called her back today. I figured they just wanted to let me know that the remaining 4 embryos didn't make it. Official protocol and all. That's what I expected. Instead, she told me that on a scale of good/fair/poor, the two frozen embryos that were the "C" graded embryos on Day 3/4 were now considered "good to fair" and "fair". She told me that they both survived the freezing process and that they are safe and sound at our clinic. They will hold on to them for 10 months and then they will ship them to a different facility in Minneapolis for long-term storage.
Shocked. Speechless. Excited to actually have a back-up plan.
We have TWO frozen embryos!
That's right. I'm still in shock! Out of the 6 fertilized embryos, two were transferred, two didn't make it and two survived not only to Day 5, but also survived the deep freeze.
An embryologist called me yesterday and I called her back today. I figured they just wanted to let me know that the remaining 4 embryos didn't make it. Official protocol and all. That's what I expected. Instead, she told me that on a scale of good/fair/poor, the two frozen embryos that were the "C" graded embryos on Day 3/4 were now considered "good to fair" and "fair". She told me that they both survived the freezing process and that they are safe and sound at our clinic. They will hold on to them for 10 months and then they will ship them to a different facility in Minneapolis for long-term storage.
Shocked. Speechless. Excited to actually have a back-up plan.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Harnessing Happiness
Is there a way to harness happiness? Catch it or save it for later? Or keep it forever? If any of you find a way to do this, please let me know.
When we did our retrieval on Wednesday and we scored 15 eggs, I was on cloud 9. Happy; a bit of a high. This might just work and I pulled a great number. Then the next day, we found out there were only 6 fertilized embryos. A low. Hopeful, but still a little low. Then yesterday. We hear there is only one left and there is no biopsy to give us any answers. Way low.
The husband and I decide to make the trip last night instead of this morning due to the crappy weather. We make the drive in a depressed mood. We got a nice hotel, pretty cheap, on Priceline. We ordered room service. (Ungodly expensive, but oh SO good. This food did not disappoint!) The whole time we ate and watched free Showtime, we were kind of in the dumps. Our expectation is that when we show up at the clinic, we will be there only long enough for them to tell us there is nothing to transfer. Zero. That is what we prepare ourselves for. We're already thinking about next steps. Donor sperm? Egg donation? Adoption? A thousand thoughts and scenarios are going through our heads, but nothing prepared us for what actually happened today.
I woke up this morning in a big, King size bed, took a shower, and began drinking the necessary water to get a nice full bladder. Ya know, just in case we have something to transfer. I took my valium as prescribed and husband gave me the daily progesterone shot. I even eat some pineapple. You know, just in case.
We make our way to the clinic and don't have to wait long till they call us back. There is another couple who will be doing a transfer there. We've been here before. We're here to be told there is nothing to transfer. We put our stuff down in a room with a rolling bed. The nurse asks to weigh me. Husband and I look at each other. Ok. I come back and she hands me a nice warm gown and blanket to put on. Husband and I look at each other again. What's going on? Could there be something to transfer? They wouldn't give me a gown for no reason, right?
Then the doctor comes in. Our wonderfully goofy doctor, who we thought would be on vacation, was there with a document that described the status of the 6 fertilized embryos. Not only do we have a surviving "B" embryo, we have a second one. Two? What? In shock, I say, "We thought there was only one". The doc explained that the second embryo "caught up" with the first in growth and is now considered a "B" embryo, too. There were also 2 more embryos that were graded "C"s and the last two were pretty much stalled and no longer viable. The Cs are not likely to make it to Day 5, let alone to freeze. But, the unbelievable thing to us, is that we have TWO! Two Bs to transfer. We made it to transfer! We could hardly contain our excitement!
We proceed with transferring 2 embryos. I'm feeling good with my valium. They bring us back to the room to do the transfer. Everyone is giddy and smiling (you can tell even with those masks on), making jokes about red-headed girls being transferred. I insist that would be pretty good, as I know some very nice red-headed girls! Happy, Happy, Happy.
The transfer goes smoothly, I lay for an hour, drive to the clinic to do a quick acupuncture treatment, and then we make the drive home. Here I am on bed rest and technically - for now - pregnant. And happy high again. Like I said, I just want to harness this happy energy for as long as possible. At least until our pregnancy test. What a rollercoaster!
When we did our retrieval on Wednesday and we scored 15 eggs, I was on cloud 9. Happy; a bit of a high. This might just work and I pulled a great number. Then the next day, we found out there were only 6 fertilized embryos. A low. Hopeful, but still a little low. Then yesterday. We hear there is only one left and there is no biopsy to give us any answers. Way low.
The husband and I decide to make the trip last night instead of this morning due to the crappy weather. We make the drive in a depressed mood. We got a nice hotel, pretty cheap, on Priceline. We ordered room service. (Ungodly expensive, but oh SO good. This food did not disappoint!) The whole time we ate and watched free Showtime, we were kind of in the dumps. Our expectation is that when we show up at the clinic, we will be there only long enough for them to tell us there is nothing to transfer. Zero. That is what we prepare ourselves for. We're already thinking about next steps. Donor sperm? Egg donation? Adoption? A thousand thoughts and scenarios are going through our heads, but nothing prepared us for what actually happened today.
I woke up this morning in a big, King size bed, took a shower, and began drinking the necessary water to get a nice full bladder. Ya know, just in case we have something to transfer. I took my valium as prescribed and husband gave me the daily progesterone shot. I even eat some pineapple. You know, just in case.
We make our way to the clinic and don't have to wait long till they call us back. There is another couple who will be doing a transfer there. We've been here before. We're here to be told there is nothing to transfer. We put our stuff down in a room with a rolling bed. The nurse asks to weigh me. Husband and I look at each other. Ok. I come back and she hands me a nice warm gown and blanket to put on. Husband and I look at each other again. What's going on? Could there be something to transfer? They wouldn't give me a gown for no reason, right?
Then the doctor comes in. Our wonderfully goofy doctor, who we thought would be on vacation, was there with a document that described the status of the 6 fertilized embryos. Not only do we have a surviving "B" embryo, we have a second one. Two? What? In shock, I say, "We thought there was only one". The doc explained that the second embryo "caught up" with the first in growth and is now considered a "B" embryo, too. There were also 2 more embryos that were graded "C"s and the last two were pretty much stalled and no longer viable. The Cs are not likely to make it to Day 5, let alone to freeze. But, the unbelievable thing to us, is that we have TWO! Two Bs to transfer. We made it to transfer! We could hardly contain our excitement!
We proceed with transferring 2 embryos. I'm feeling good with my valium. They bring us back to the room to do the transfer. Everyone is giddy and smiling (you can tell even with those masks on), making jokes about red-headed girls being transferred. I insist that would be pretty good, as I know some very nice red-headed girls! Happy, Happy, Happy.
The transfer goes smoothly, I lay for an hour, drive to the clinic to do a quick acupuncture treatment, and then we make the drive home. Here I am on bed rest and technically - for now - pregnant. And happy high again. Like I said, I just want to harness this happy energy for as long as possible. At least until our pregnancy test. What a rollercoaster!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
One
It's cold and snowing. And one is a very lonely number. We have one, 6 cell "B" embryo left as of 7:30 a.m. today. Who knows why? There was no use in doing a biopsy to find out what the heck is the problem. Because obviously there's a big problem. We don't make good embryos together. So with our lonely, last embryo, we had the choice to transfer it today, tomorrow, or Monday - Day 3, 4, or 5. What does it matter? So we're gonna go tomorrow. Day 4. Who does a Day 4 transfer? We do. Last ditch effort. And there is no guarantee that it will still be viable tomorrow. Oh, and did I mention the ice storm coming about the same time we drive the hour and a half to the clinic? Yup. Awesome.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Six is a Magic Number
It's a numbers game. IVF is all about the numbers. At first it's about how many drugs and how many of vials to take. Then it's about retrieval. We retrieved 15 eggs. 13 of those were mature/viable enough to ICSI. Out of the 13, seven did not fertilize. If you can do the math, that leaves us with 6 fertilized eggs. I was initially disappointed by this result. I mean, we started with FIFTEEN...and only 1/3 are still around...ack! But, putting it into perspective and repeating the ol' mantra of "it only takes one" over and over in my head, I have to realize that 6 isn't too bad. Especially considering the first round of IVF, we only had 2 by Day 3 (after starting with 12) and the second time we only had 2 also (after starting with 6). Of course, they all stopped growing after Day 3.So here we are on Day One. Waiting again. The nurse plans on calling us on Saturday (Day 3) to update us.
That brings us to the 3-day vs. 5-day transfer debate. Our old clinic seemed to only do Day 5 transfers. Day 3 wasn't really an option. Our new clinic is different. They will do a Day 3 transfer if there is 5 or less embryos to choose from. 6 or more and they will do a Day 5 to increase the odds of picking out the best of the best embryos. So, that puts us in the Day 5 category based upon numbers. However, we opted to do a special biopsy of our embryos on Day 3, which will necessitate a Day 5 transfer anyway.
We have opted to dish out the additional dough to do PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening) of Chromosomes. This biopsy of one cell of each embryo on Day 3 will help determine the best embryos for transfer. It also may give us answers as to why our embryos don't seem to survive after Day 3. The consent paperwork indicates that at least 50% of fertilizations have the wrong number of chromosomes. Based upon that, we may have an ok chance of having 3 good embryos. This test will help determine those. Again, it's all about the numbers.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Rockstar Ovaries
In my humble opinion, I have rockstar ovaries! They retrieved 15 eggs today. Fifteen! Woot, woot!
After getting up at 3:45 a.m. this morning, and not being gassed until after 8 a.m., I'm pooped. Fertilization report tomorrow. Naptime!
After getting up at 3:45 a.m. this morning, and not being gassed until after 8 a.m., I'm pooped. Fertilization report tomorrow. Naptime!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Ready to Go!
We're ready to go! After 12 hours commuting to my RE in 8 days, countless drugs and ultrasounds, we are finally ready for retrieval.
I took my 'last' dose of the expensive drugs this morning. I was 3 vials short because I screwed up the dosing. Yes, I am spending thousands of dollars on this IVF stuff and I screwed up the amount of drugs to take. You'd think I'd pay closer attention. My dose was to be upped by one vial of Menopur per day. I was supposed to take 3 vials of Menopur at night (plus 1 Bravelle) and 2 in the morning (plus 1 Bravelle) starting Friday night. The nurse relayed this information to me as I was in my car driving home from the clinic that day, so I didn't write it down.
I took 3 vials at night and also 3 vials in the mornings. I had upped my dose by two vials each day, instead of one. I didn't discover this boo-boo until Sunday at my ultrasound. After my temporary panic attack, the doctor actually said I knew better than they did and it ended up ok to take the extra vial. Whew! Sigh of relief - but I still hope I didn't screw anything up. I had 7 follicles on the left and 7 on the right. All of them were between 15 and 20mm (with 18 being the goal). I'm pretty hopeful about these numbers.
Tonight, I take the trigger shot at 9pm sharp. This clinic wants me to take it intramuscular rather than in the tummy like my old clinic. I'm drug-free on Tuesday, and retrieval is scheduled for 8 a.m. on Wednesday. Let's go already!
I took my 'last' dose of the expensive drugs this morning. I was 3 vials short because I screwed up the dosing. Yes, I am spending thousands of dollars on this IVF stuff and I screwed up the amount of drugs to take. You'd think I'd pay closer attention. My dose was to be upped by one vial of Menopur per day. I was supposed to take 3 vials of Menopur at night (plus 1 Bravelle) and 2 in the morning (plus 1 Bravelle) starting Friday night. The nurse relayed this information to me as I was in my car driving home from the clinic that day, so I didn't write it down.
I took 3 vials at night and also 3 vials in the mornings. I had upped my dose by two vials each day, instead of one. I didn't discover this boo-boo until Sunday at my ultrasound. After my temporary panic attack, the doctor actually said I knew better than they did and it ended up ok to take the extra vial. Whew! Sigh of relief - but I still hope I didn't screw anything up. I had 7 follicles on the left and 7 on the right. All of them were between 15 and 20mm (with 18 being the goal). I'm pretty hopeful about these numbers.
Tonight, I take the trigger shot at 9pm sharp. This clinic wants me to take it intramuscular rather than in the tummy like my old clinic. I'm drug-free on Tuesday, and retrieval is scheduled for 8 a.m. on Wednesday. Let's go already!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Acupuncture
Speaking of poking holes in myself....
After the base ultrasound on Monday, I went to my first ever acupuncture appointment (at a separate office). Our RE is pretty conservative and would only suggest acupuncture if there was solid, scientific evidence that it helps with infertility/IVF. So, I'm jumping through the hoops.
What did I think? Well, at $55 per visit, it's an expensive naptime, that's for sure! Of course, acupuncture for infertility is NOT covered by insurance - oh, why can't they lie and say I'm doing it for "pain"? - afterall, infertility is a HUGE pain. Otherwise, acupuncture was kind of like getting a massage with less touching.
The walls are painted a cocoa brown. There are dimmer lights and electric candles, and of course, the "bed". I laid down - almost naked - under a sheet, face up. The doc comes in, we have a chat, and he proceeds to stick me with needles in my belly, a couple in my feet, legs, arms, and hands, and a couple on my face/head. It didn't hurt, but I didn't want to move, either. The doc left me to lie there for 15 minutes with the lights turned down. A nurse (or aid, or something) came in to 'twist' the needles and then came in to remove them (my forehead bled). I flipped to my stomach. Then, the doc came back in and proceeded to stick me in the back. He shut the lights off again and had me lay there for 30 more minutes (with a needle twisting halfway through). I fell asleep. What else am I going to do? - I've been up since 5 am!
All in all, I had 40 needles stuck in me, and it actually was kind of relaxing. I'm not sure if it's worth it and I don't know if I believe in it. But at this point, I'm willing to try just about anything! At the very least, it will probably help with my stress levels. I don't stress out easily, but when I do, I internalize it. It then tends to build up. So if a few needles in my forehead help out with that, so be it, because God knows, I have some stress these days!. And if it makes my uterus all supple and thick for a potential embryo transfer, then bonus.
After the base ultrasound on Monday, I went to my first ever acupuncture appointment (at a separate office). Our RE is pretty conservative and would only suggest acupuncture if there was solid, scientific evidence that it helps with infertility/IVF. So, I'm jumping through the hoops.
What did I think? Well, at $55 per visit, it's an expensive naptime, that's for sure! Of course, acupuncture for infertility is NOT covered by insurance - oh, why can't they lie and say I'm doing it for "pain"? - afterall, infertility is a HUGE pain. Otherwise, acupuncture was kind of like getting a massage with less touching.
The walls are painted a cocoa brown. There are dimmer lights and electric candles, and of course, the "bed". I laid down - almost naked - under a sheet, face up. The doc comes in, we have a chat, and he proceeds to stick me with needles in my belly, a couple in my feet, legs, arms, and hands, and a couple on my face/head. It didn't hurt, but I didn't want to move, either. The doc left me to lie there for 15 minutes with the lights turned down. A nurse (or aid, or something) came in to 'twist' the needles and then came in to remove them (my forehead bled). I flipped to my stomach. Then, the doc came back in and proceeded to stick me in the back. He shut the lights off again and had me lay there for 30 more minutes (with a needle twisting halfway through). I fell asleep. What else am I going to do? - I've been up since 5 am!
All in all, I had 40 needles stuck in me, and it actually was kind of relaxing. I'm not sure if it's worth it and I don't know if I believe in it. But at this point, I'm willing to try just about anything! At the very least, it will probably help with my stress levels. I don't stress out easily, but when I do, I internalize it. It then tends to build up. So if a few needles in my forehead help out with that, so be it, because God knows, I have some stress these days!. And if it makes my uterus all supple and thick for a potential embryo transfer, then bonus.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Damned if you do and Damned if you don't...
A huge box of meds was delivered last week for the low, low price of $5,000...
Lupron compound (1 big vial)
5 boxes of Bravelle (25 vials)
5 boxes of Menopur (25 vials)
HCG: To trigger ovulation
Antibiotics: For retrieval
3 boxes of Projesterone in Oil: hopefully we get to use it to and through transfer - because they sent us a 30 day supply
Valium: to calm me for the transfer - again, I hope I get to use it...but on second thought I'll probably use it one way or another!
The sickening thing is that because I have insurance to "cover" infertility (to a limit), we get to pay an inflated price for these meds...$5,000. Yup. 5K - And I don't mean the race. The value of a good, used car or a honeymoon in Jamaica. Yup, 5K. If I didn't have insurance, I would have paid about $2,000 less. What kind of scam is this, anyway? You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
I went to the base ultrasound on Monday. 13 follicles on the right and 15 on the left. A good start. So then, the drug taking began. One difference with this clinic is that rather than having me take one big shot every day, I take 2 little shots in the morning and 2 little shots at night. So far this week, I have poked 14 holes in myself! And we're only 4 days in. My sharps container is almost full.
Lupron compound (1 big vial)
5 boxes of Bravelle (25 vials)
5 boxes of Menopur (25 vials)
HCG: To trigger ovulation
Antibiotics: For retrieval
3 boxes of Projesterone in Oil: hopefully we get to use it to and through transfer - because they sent us a 30 day supply
Valium: to calm me for the transfer - again, I hope I get to use it...but on second thought I'll probably use it one way or another!
The sickening thing is that because I have insurance to "cover" infertility (to a limit), we get to pay an inflated price for these meds...$5,000. Yup. 5K - And I don't mean the race. The value of a good, used car or a honeymoon in Jamaica. Yup, 5K. If I didn't have insurance, I would have paid about $2,000 less. What kind of scam is this, anyway? You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
I went to the base ultrasound on Monday. 13 follicles on the right and 15 on the left. A good start. So then, the drug taking began. One difference with this clinic is that rather than having me take one big shot every day, I take 2 little shots in the morning and 2 little shots at night. So far this week, I have poked 14 holes in myself! And we're only 4 days in. My sharps container is almost full.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Checklist & Greenlight
- Blood work X 2 X 5 vials = Check!
- Frozen sperm as back up = Check!
- HSG = uncomfortable and clear. Check!
- No polyps! = Greenlight for IVF
- IVF w/ ICSI Consultation & protocol = Check!
- Sign our lives away = Check!
- Buy a ridiculous amount of Drugs = next week
- Take ridiculous amount of Drugs & give Acupuncture a go = in two weeks
- Egg Retrieval = in three weeks
- Embryo Transfer = in four weeks?! One can only hope.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The Beginning of the Final Attempt
I know I've been a little neglectful of this blog. There are a couple of reasons for this.
1.) there hasn't been any infertility related news to report. We hit our 5th year anniversary of infertility - which isn't really a celebratory occasion. And, well, my life has been more or less boring - busy, but boring.
2.) there have been umpteen babies that have been born in the last couple of months and I'm 'babied' out. They are all cute babies and the parents are all lucky and proud. Baby outfits have been purchased and delivered. Announcements cover our refrigerator door. And I'm happy for all of them. But yeah, it doesn't make my life any easier.
3.) And lastly, I am pretty much sick to death of infertility and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. Sorry to be a downer, but if I don't really want to talk about it, I'm sure no one really wants to hear about it either.
So, that brings us to today. Everything that we've been through this year (particularly DH) has still basically boiled down to IVF as the only way to go to have a biological child. I know there are a LOT of other ways to have a child, but we still aren't prepared for those alternatives yet. We're stubborn and haven't quite given up hope yet, even though there have been plenty of moments when I feel like giving up on the whole damn thing. That being said, the plan is that we will make our last IVF attempt #3 with our new RE in January.
With the start of my December cycle, I started the BCPs again today. We have an appointment the last week in December to freeze some of DH's spunk (as back up - in case of emergency, I guess!) and for me to have an HSG. With my history of polyps, I wouldn't be surprised if I have one that has grown back. That would delay us another month or two, so I'm not getting too amped up about the IVF cycle happening in January until after that appointment.
It's weird though. In the past, I would get all jittery and excited and hopeful about a new cycle. But with all the disappointment we've had, I just don't feel it yet. And I'm trying hard not to get hopeful and excited. I don't know how well that is working for me though, because here I am - blogging about it. I still don't want to talk about it openly to other people because it probably won't work. The odds are not in our favor. The more people that know about the cycle, the worse I feel when it doesn't work. The more sympathy that I get from others, the more I feel sorry for myself. And that's the worst. It would be nice to be able to go through the whole cycle without telling a soul. I really just want to be normal and I really just want to be able to have a baby like a normal person. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.
1.) there hasn't been any infertility related news to report. We hit our 5th year anniversary of infertility - which isn't really a celebratory occasion. And, well, my life has been more or less boring - busy, but boring.
2.) there have been umpteen babies that have been born in the last couple of months and I'm 'babied' out. They are all cute babies and the parents are all lucky and proud. Baby outfits have been purchased and delivered. Announcements cover our refrigerator door. And I'm happy for all of them. But yeah, it doesn't make my life any easier.
3.) And lastly, I am pretty much sick to death of infertility and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. Sorry to be a downer, but if I don't really want to talk about it, I'm sure no one really wants to hear about it either.
So, that brings us to today. Everything that we've been through this year (particularly DH) has still basically boiled down to IVF as the only way to go to have a biological child. I know there are a LOT of other ways to have a child, but we still aren't prepared for those alternatives yet. We're stubborn and haven't quite given up hope yet, even though there have been plenty of moments when I feel like giving up on the whole damn thing. That being said, the plan is that we will make our last IVF attempt #3 with our new RE in January.
With the start of my December cycle, I started the BCPs again today. We have an appointment the last week in December to freeze some of DH's spunk (as back up - in case of emergency, I guess!) and for me to have an HSG. With my history of polyps, I wouldn't be surprised if I have one that has grown back. That would delay us another month or two, so I'm not getting too amped up about the IVF cycle happening in January until after that appointment.
It's weird though. In the past, I would get all jittery and excited and hopeful about a new cycle. But with all the disappointment we've had, I just don't feel it yet. And I'm trying hard not to get hopeful and excited. I don't know how well that is working for me though, because here I am - blogging about it. I still don't want to talk about it openly to other people because it probably won't work. The odds are not in our favor. The more people that know about the cycle, the worse I feel when it doesn't work. The more sympathy that I get from others, the more I feel sorry for myself. And that's the worst. It would be nice to be able to go through the whole cycle without telling a soul. I really just want to be normal and I really just want to be able to have a baby like a normal person. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is.
Monday, November 7, 2011
My Take on Baby Showers
From Dictionary.com:
Main Entry: baby shower
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a party given for a pregnant woman, to which guests bring presents for the baby
Example: Having a baby shower arranged by a family-member or relative is seen as bad form and self serving by many traditionalists.
Etymology: 1902
Wikipedia (as faulty of a source as any) also mentions that baby showers have traditionally been for the first born child rather than subsequent children. Baby showers are to impart wisdom to a new mother and "shower" them with gifts that a new mother and new baby might need. More recently, baby showers can occur for every baby born.
I used to love, love baby showers. I loved the games, and the fun gathering, and the excitement of a new baby. I still do, however, my love for them has waned recently. Mostly because some of the showers I have been invited to recently have been for 2nd or 3rd kids - when I've already been to a shower for the 1st kid. Didn't they get "showered" with enough gifts from their first kid? I was there. I saw how much they raked in. I don't know. Maybe not. And, on top of that, these showers seem to be given by the pregnant person's mom or mother-in-law. Is that tacky or "self-serving"? Also, an e-vite on facebook, to me, does not replace a good ol' fashioned snail mail invitation.
Main Entry: baby shower
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a party given for a pregnant woman, to which guests bring presents for the baby
Example: Having a baby shower arranged by a family-member or relative is seen as bad form and self serving by many traditionalists.
Etymology: 1902
Wikipedia (as faulty of a source as any) also mentions that baby showers have traditionally been for the first born child rather than subsequent children. Baby showers are to impart wisdom to a new mother and "shower" them with gifts that a new mother and new baby might need. More recently, baby showers can occur for every baby born.
I used to love, love baby showers. I loved the games, and the fun gathering, and the excitement of a new baby. I still do, however, my love for them has waned recently. Mostly because some of the showers I have been invited to recently have been for 2nd or 3rd kids - when I've already been to a shower for the 1st kid. Didn't they get "showered" with enough gifts from their first kid? I was there. I saw how much they raked in. I don't know. Maybe not. And, on top of that, these showers seem to be given by the pregnant person's mom or mother-in-law. Is that tacky or "self-serving"? Also, an e-vite on facebook, to me, does not replace a good ol' fashioned snail mail invitation.
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